Read Online Jacob Two-Two-'s First Spy Case by Mordecai Richler - Free Book Online Page B

change his plea to guilty. Think it over. Take your time. I’ll give you one second.”
    â€œDon’t blame me,” said Louis Loser, “it’s not my fault, Your Honor, but the boy insists that he is not guilty.”
    â€œHa! What do you say to that, members of the jury?” asked Mr. Justice Rough.
    â€œHe’s wasting our time.”
    â€œInsulting our intelligence.”
    â€œSentence the little brat right now and let’s be done with it.”
    Mr. Justice Rough peered down at Jacob Two-Two. “I always knew that you were a hardened criminaland that you’d turn up here again. Jacob Two-Two, you are now a two-time loser, represented by an alltime loser.”
    â€œTell it like it is, judge,” called out one member of the jury.
    â€œRight on,” exclaimed another.
    â€œWhat have you got to say for yourself, Two-Two?” asked Mr. Justice Rough.
    â€œI’m innocent,” said Jacob Two-Two. “I’m innocent.”
    â€œDon’t make me laugh,” said Mr. Justice Rough. “Why, in all my years on the bench I’ve never seen a boy or girl who wasn’t guilty of something or other.”
    â€œBut –”
    â€œI’ll wager that before I live to see a little person appear before me who is innocent, I’ll find a whale who can play a Beethoven concerto on the piano, or a poodle who can stand on his hind legs and bat .400 in the American League.”
    â€œPlease, Mr. Loser,” said Jacob Two-Two, “say something.”
    â€œI don’t feel well,” said Louis Loser.
    â€œLet me guess what your unspeakable crime is this time,” said Mr. Justice Rough. “You were sent downto get something out of the freezer and left the door open
all through the night
. Or you turned up at school with your shirt-tail hanging out. Or you’re so dumb you couldn’t even tell your geography teacher the name of the capital city of Fiji. Or you were caught reading in bed with a flashlight. I’ve seen all kinds here. Nothing sur prises me any more. Why, earlier today I had a little girl in here, no more than three years old, who wakened her mummy and daddy at three a.m. to ask for a glass of water.”
    â€œShocking,” said a member of the jury.
    â€œIncredible,” said another.
    â€œLook at my hair, you brat,” said Mr. Justice Rough, “and tell me what color it is.”
    â€œGray,” said Jacob Two-Two.
    â€œAnd no wonder! Today I had to deal with a boy, caught red-handed in an elevator in the Ritz Hotel,
pressing every single button, right up to the twenty-eighth floor
. I was confronted with a girl who had sneaked into her mother’s bathroom to try out her most expensive perfume and spilt all of it on the floor, stinking up the house. I had a boy who phoned a friend, then forgot to replace the receiver, accidently on purpose, if you ask me, while his poor father waspacing up and down for three hours, waiting for a very important business call.”
    â€œYour Honor,” began Louis Loser, “I –”

    â€œHey, Loser,” yelled one of the jurors, “tie your shoelaces before you trip over them.”
    â€œDid you get that suit at a fire sale?” asked another.
    â€œNow, now,” said Mr. Justice Rough, “careful, guys, or this drip of a lawyer will accuse us of being prejudiced against the public enemy he is misrepresenting to the worst of his inability. Order in the court! Order, please! And now let me call upon the prosecutor, an excellent fellow, to state the case against Jacob Two-Two, which I’m sure will be unanswerable.”
    â€œWhy, thank you, Uncle Justice Rough,” said Slugger Meeny, the prosecutor. “Let me begin by saying what an honor it is to appear before you …”
    Mr. Justice Rough stood up and bowed, acknowledging the jury’s applause.
    â€œâ€¦ and for openers, just to set the mood,” said