Read Online Zombie Bums from Uranus by Andy Griffiths - Free Book Online Page B

that moment the zombies broke through thefloorboards. Zack saw Mr Jenkins push the top half of his body up through the hole. Luckily the opening was too small for Mr Jenkins to fit his enormous bum through, although he was able to make a grab for Zack’s legs.
    But Zack had already started climbing back up the toilet paper, even faster than before. He was almost halfway up again when the toilet paper ripped.
    Whether it was the extra force Zack used, or the extra weight of Mittens, he couldn’t be sure. All he knew was that somewhere above him the perforations had ripped. Not all the way through, but enough to cause him to drop dangerously low.
    Zack climbed back up again, hoping against hope that the remaining perforations would hold.
    One by one the tiny sections of paper ripped.
    Zack inched closer.
    The paper ripped again.
    Zack gasped.
    Then he had an idea.
    He held Mittens up as far above his head as he could.
    Mittens hooked her claws into a piece of toilet paper above the tear, and, demonstrating unusual strength for a cat, began to pull Zack up with her.
    Just as they were negotiating the ripped section, Zack smelt smoke. He looked down to see flames racing up towards him. Mr Jenkins, stuck in the hole, was holding a match in his hand. He had set fire to the toilet paper!
    Flames were shooting up the paper ladder.
    Faster than Zack and Mittens could climb.
    â€˜Hurry!’ yelled Zack’s bum. ‘I’m burning up!’
    Suddenly there was a huge explosion and a fireball shot back down the ladder and into the bum-fighting control centre.
    â€˜How many times have I told you not to talk when there’s naked flame around?’ said Zack, smiling as he pulled himself up the last few squares of toilet tissue.
    â€˜Oops,’ said Zack’s bum, smiling as well.
    Zack felt Gran’s strong hand close around his wrist and pull him into the bum-mobile.
    He saw Eleanor turn around from the pilot’s seat, frowning.
    â€˜Eleanor!’ said Zack. ‘What are you doing here?’
    â€˜Following orders,’ said Eleanor. ‘Dad insisted I come and get you.’
    â€˜But I’m not a bum-fighter,’ Zack said. ‘Not anymore. I quit!’
    Eleanor snorted. ‘I’m well aware of that,’ she said. ‘This wasn’t my idea. I’m just doing what I’m told. Hold tight . . . and no throwing up!’
    The bum-mobile took off at terrifying speed.
    Zack looked out the window and saw the burning room they had just escaped from growing smaller and smaller. He looked at Gran, now using her formidable pinching fingers to gently scratch Mittens’ ears. He looked at his bum, wiping itself clean with a towel. And he looked at Eleanor—her face gritty and desperate.
    Zack smiled.
    He was back in the bum-fighting frontline and—he had to admit—loving it.

    â€˜Well, it sure has been a while since I’ve flown in one of these,’ said Gran, leaning forward into the cockpit, still stroking Mittens.
    â€˜No animals in the cockpit!’ said Eleanor sharply.
    â€˜Sorry,’ said Gran, handing Mittens back to Zack. ‘Mind if I come through to the front and take a look?’
    â€˜Sure,’ said Eleanor. ‘I don’t mind people. Just no cats. Too unpredictable.’
    â€˜That’s what I reckon,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘In fact I think we should ban cats from the bum-mobile altogether.’
    â€˜Quiet, you!’ said Gran. ‘In my day bums didn’t speak until they were spoken to.’
    â€˜My bum’s a bit different,’ said Zack.
    â€˜I never met a bum I couldn’t pinch into shape!’ said Gran.
    â€˜You just did!’ muttered Zack’s bum. ‘Three of them.’
    â€˜Hmmm . . .’ said Gran, studying Zack’s bum closely. ‘Cheeky. I don’t like that in a bum.’
    Eventually she turned away and pulled herself through the entrance into