Read Online Zombie Bums from Uranus by Andy Griffiths - Free Book Online Page A

Zack’s bum.
    â€˜Not now!’ said Zack.
    â€˜But it’s a bumergency!’ shouted Zack’s bum.
    â€˜Who said that?’ said Gran.
    â€˜My bum,’ said Zack.
    â€˜There’s a bum in here?’ said Gran. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll pinch it!’
    â€˜No!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I’m on your side!’
    Gran looked confused. ‘A bum on my side? That’s ridiculous!’ she said. ‘Hold still, Zack! I’ll have it pinched in no time.’
    â€˜No!’ said Zack. ‘Aaagghhh!’
    â€˜Aaagghhhh!’ screamed his bum.
    â€˜Oh be quiet,’ said Gran. ‘Both of you! I haven’t even started yet.’
    â€˜No,’ said Zack, pointing behind her. ‘That’s not what we’re screaming about . . . look at the zombie bums!’
    Gran turned and looked.
    The pieces of atomic-pinched bum were slowly creeping across the floor towards one another.
    Merging.
    Reforming.
    Into three new bums!
    Zack looked at Gran.
    Gran looked at Zack.
    Things were not looking good.
    Gran’s zombie neighbours below them were not only bashing on the trapdoor, but were attacking the floor around it with their axe. It wouldn’t be long before they broke through.
    And the bums that were already in the attic were apparently indestructible.
    â€˜Zack,’ said Zack’s bum, ‘I hate to say it, but we’re not winning here.’
    â€˜I know,’ Zack said. ‘Got any better ideas?’
    â€˜Pray!’ said his bum, detaching itself, dropping to its knees and placing its hands in front of itself.
    Zack shook his head. He didn’t know what to do exactly, but he was pretty sure praying wouldn’t help them.
    Suddenly, however, the room was awash with light and the sound of screaming engines.
    Zack, shielding his eyes from the light, looked up.
    There was a bum-mobile hovering above them and coming through the broken dome was the end of a roll of reinforced toilet paper.
    Zack was amazed.
    â€˜Don’t just stare at it, you idiot!’ shouted an amplified voice from above. ‘Grab hold and climb!’
    Now normally Zack wouldn’t have entrusted his life to a roll of toilet paper—not even reinforced toilet paper—but this was not a normal situation.
    Zack looked around for Gran, grabbed her arm and put her on the toilet-paper ladder.
    â€˜Thanks, soldier,’ she said. ‘You show courtesy towards your elders. I like that in a bum-fighter. It’s so rare, nowadays.’
    Zack was about to explain that he wasn’t abum-fighter, but decided that, under the circumstances, it could probably wait.
    Gran hoisted herself up the toilet paper, as if she’d been doing it all her life.
    Zack, keeping the bums away from the toilet paper with a combination of kicks and smacks, heard a noise behind him.
    He saw the axe head break through the floor.
    The zombies were almost in!
    Zack turned.
    â€˜Hurry, Gran!’ he called.
    Finally Gran made it into the bum-mobile.
    Zack grabbed the toilet paper and began pulling himself up, his bum reattaching itself just in time.
    He was halfway up, being battered by the howling wind and the bums, when he heard miaowing.
    â€˜Oh no,’ he said, seeing Mittens perched on the instrument panel of the control centre. ‘We forgot Mittens!’
    â€˜Too bad,’ said his bum. ‘Keep climbing!’
    â€˜No!’ said Zack. ‘We have to go back!’
    â€˜Keep climbing!’ said his bum. ‘That’s an order!’
    â€˜Yeah, and this is me disobeying it!’ said Zack, climbing back down the toilet paper.
    Mittens was now surrounded by the bums. She was hissing and scratching, but the bums were closing in. Fortunately, however, they were all looking at Mittens and didn’t see Zack coming.
    Without letting go of the toilet paper Zack reached down and scooped the terrified Mittens back into his jacket.
    At