Read Online Vivienne's Guilt by Heather M. Orgeron - Free Book Online Page A

for Tillie. She can’t lose me, too. But, I’m so scared...I’m scared that I won’t be able to stop that from happening.” I curl up into the chair and hug my knees to my chest.
    With a look of concern, he asks, “What do you mean by lose you, Vivienne?”
    I can see where he is going with this.
    “Not, ummm, not physically, of course,” I say, looking up at him through wet lashes. “Don’t worry about that. I could never ever do that to her. I just mean mentally. I can’t focus, and I’m so sad. I can’t stop crying. I’ve been so distant with her, and I know that she needs me, but I don’t feel like I’m able to be what she needs right now, and I hate it! I hate the person that I’m becoming, but I don’t know how to stop it...I feel like I’m failing her,” I cry. “I’m failing my baby.”
    “Vivienne, you are not failing,” he says, meeting my eyes. “Listen to me. You’re an amazing mother to that little girl, and you were an amazing wife to Abbott. You will get through this. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually you will find happiness again. You’ll find it in your daughter and your loved ones, and your days will get easier. I’m not saying you will ever stop loving Abbott or missing him, or even that you’ll move on romantically; although, that’s okay, too. Each person is different and whatever path you choose will be the right one for you. But, you’ll learn to live again. I’ve been doing this for such a long time. Believe me when I tell you that you will get through this.”
    The passion in which he delivers his words makes me almost believe them. I want to believe so badly that I will come out of this okay. That someday I won’t be merely surviving but living again, but right now my future feels so bleak. If it weren’t for Tillie, I would have no reason to get out of bed in the morning. That is my truth.
    “Do you have anyone helping you?” he asks, interrupting my thoughts. “Someone to help occupy your time and distract you from your grief?”
    “Cassie was...until I sent her home yesterday. I was depending on her too much. I need to do this on my own. I want Tillie’s life to be as normal as possible and watching her godmother take care of her mother is not normal,” I say nervously, now questioning my own decision.
    “You can’t put a time limit on grief. We all have to grieve in our own way and at our own pace. I’m afraid that you’re trying to rush yourself, Vivienne. Abbott hasn’t even been gone two weeks. Please allow your loved ones to be there for you. I’m really concerned about you being in that big house all alone.”
    “Oh, I’m not. I’m not alone, and I don’t mean Tillie,” I add. “Abbott’s nephew, Reid, came to help with the camp over the summer, so he’s staying with us.”
    I don’t tell him that Reid is technically next door in the pool house, and that is about as close as I can handle right now, or that I really don’t know him at all. I don’t tell him how crazy I have felt since laying eyes on him at the airport yesterday or that the panic attacks have more than doubled. I don’t tell him that the emptiness I’ve been feeling since Abbott’s death is slowly being replaced by guilt.
    “Great. That’s good. I’m glad you have him there with you.” I can hear the relief in his voice.
    “Reid is great. He’s out fishing with Matilda right now, actually. I have a feeling they’ll be really close by summer’s end,” I say with a forced smile.
    The doctor looks at me questioningly. “Am I sensing some animosity? Has something happened that I should know about?” he asks, wrinkling his forehead.
    I have no poker face.
    “No. Not really. But...well...he looks just like Abbott. It’s sort of messing with my head a little. It’s just...It hurts seeing him. I know it’s not his fault. Reid really is great. It’s my issue. Not his,” I ramble. “And Tillie...God, I don’t know how to say this without sounding