Read Online Vivienne's Guilt by Heather M. Orgeron - Free Book Online Page B

like a child,” I say, placing my head in my hands.
    Dr. Benson shakes his head at me. “There is nothing you can say that would make you sound like a child. You’re entitled to your feelings, however juvenile you may think that they are.”
    I nod. “I’m afraid that Tillie is trying to replace Abbott with Reid...” The tears are now falling freely. It hurts more than I imagined to speak that thought aloud. “Abbott just died.” I grab for more tissues and wipe at my wet face.
    Nodding, Dr. Benson replies, “That’s perfectly normal, my dear. Tillie is so young. She can’t possibly understand. She just wants her life to go back to normal. Children that young don’t fully grasp the permanence of death. They don’t grieve the way adults do. She’s not trying to replace Abbott. She’s trying to fill that gap...but no one will ever take the place of her father.”
    “So, I should just encourage this?” I ask incredulously.
    “No. I wouldn’t say encourage as much as allow it. Allow Tillie to grieve and to deal with her pain in whatever way works for her. If hanging out with Reid is bringing her happiness, then you shouldn’t try to take that from her. And if it’s the thought of her forgetting about Abbott that’s the problem, then you should talk with her about him. Spend a little time each night remembering her father. And if you cry, that’s okay, too. It’s not the end of the world for Tillie to see you cry. It’s a normal part of grieving. A normal part of life,” Dr. Benson explains.
    “Okay. All right, I can do that.” I’ve avoided even saying Abbott’s name around Tillie unless she brings him up for fear of upsetting her or myself. I realize now that by doing so, I’m helping her forget. I have to find ways to keep her father alive.
    “You mentioned the panic attacks. How are you handling those? Do you still have medication?”
    “No, I was using the pills, but I’m out.” Liar. The truth is, I do still have half of a bottle, but I have been taking them more frequently and don’t want to run out. The thought of doing this without them is terrifying.
    “All right. What about the dose? Is the .25 mg tablet still working for you?”
    “Yes. It is. Well, it was,” I answer, and I feel bad for lying. But, the anxiety of running out of medication overrules any guilt that I feel at this moment.
    Dr. Benson hums while flipping through my chart. “I want to put you back on the Zoloft for a while. I think you need something for every day. It’s been three months since the last time that you refilled the Xanax. I’m going to keep you on that as well. It’ll help you to shut off your mind and get to sleep at night. But I want you to remember how addicting these medications can become. They are really just a Band-aid to reduce your symptoms and allow you to function more normally until you’ve dealt with your grief. That will come with time. You can use the medication to counteract those attacks.”
    I nod. “That sounds good.”
    “I’m going to keep you on the .25 mg Xanax, and you can take it at night to sleep or during the day if you get a really bad attack. I don’t want you taking them more than you absolutely need to. No more than three times a day, and you need to wait at least six to eight hours between pills. If it’s not working, then I want you to come back and see me, okay?”
    “Of course.”
    “I know that you’ve taken it before, but remember to be careful driving. Benzodiazepines can cause extreme fatigue,” he warns. “Do not consume any alcohol while on the medication. Alcohol greatly increases the side effects because they are both downers. The side effects can be so severe that they have even been used as a date rape drug. Coupled with high amounts of alcohol, they can cause memory loss and in some cases even death.”
    “I remember the side effects, Doctor. I’m not really a big drinker, anyway. That won’t be a problem for me. I just want to be able to