Read Online The World According to Humphrey by Betty G. Birney - Free Book Online

my eyes off them.
    For another thing . . . well, I am nocturnal.
    But mainly I didn’t sleep because I was worried about Clem.
    After my experience that afternoon, I believed that no lock could hold him back. And how could a little hamster fight back? What weapon would I have against a big, hairy, bad-breathed, small-brained creature?
    What weapon, indeed! I had an Idea.
    Clem hadn’t made a peep for hours, so I took a chance and quietly opened the lock-that-doesn’t-lock and dashed across the desktop to pick my weapon, just in case of another encounter with Clem. Then I scampered back to the cage with it and quietly closed the door.
    I hid my weapon behind my mirror, next to the notebook, where no one could find it. Then I managed to get forty winks or so of sleep around sunrise.
    Miranda and her mom kept Clem out of my sight all day, until it was time for them to go to their party.
    “I’m still worried,” said Miranda.
    “I’m locking your door with a key on the outside,” her mom said. “I’m locking Clem in my room. And Humphrey’s cage is closed tightly. Right?”
    Miranda checked it. Everybody always checks it. It always seems locked from the outside. It even makes a clicking sound. But from the inside, believe me, it’s a piece of cake to open.
    Miranda seemed satisfied with the arrangement, but I wasn’t. So I remained on high alert all that afternoon and evening. And here’s what happened.
    After Miranda and her mom left, Clem barked for a while.
    Then I heard jiggling and joggling for about an hour.
    Next, I heard big hairy feet padding down the hall toward Miranda’s room. Toward my room.
    I sucked in my breath and waited. Yes, I knew Miranda’s mom had locked the door with a key. But Clem didn’t seem to let little things like that stand in his way.
    The doorknob squeaked and rattled. It twisted and turned. Nothing happened. But that didn’t seem to bother Clem the barbarian.
    He jiggled-rattled-and-twisted it some more. When he got tired of that, he threw his whole body at the door.
    And then, very slowly, the door opened.
    Clem actually seemed surprised, but I wasn’t. I had spent the last two hours carefully preparing for this moment.
    Not that my heart wasn’t going THUMP-THUMP-THUMP very loudly. Even Fanny the fish seemed nervous.
    Clem trotted right up to my cage and stuck his big wet nose up against it.
    “Stay away! Keep your distance!” I squeaked. “I’m warning you.”
    Clem wasn’t discouraged one bit.
    “Woof!” he barked, sending a foul cloud of doggy breath my way.
    I didn’t even flinch.
    He barked a few more times and then began poking his big nose against the cage door. I wondered if he actually knew the lock was broken.
    The time had arrived to put my Plan into action. I was in grave danger and I had no choice. I would only have one chance at Clem because I only had one weapon: a rubber band. It had taken me a long time to get it hooked around the edge of my food dish. Now I carefully pulled it back as far as I could, aiming directly at those big doggy nostrils.
    “You asked for it, beast!” I squeaked.
    Then I let loose. The rubber band snapped and sailed through the air, hitting Clem squarely on the nose.
    He yelped like a baby and raced out of the room as if he’d seen a ghost. Too bad I didn’t still have my ghost costume. That would have been a nice touch.
    I guess Clem wasn’t quite as dumb as I had thought, because he never even tried to come back in the room again.
    Of course, Miranda and her mom were really puzzled when they came home and found both bedrooms unlocked and Clem cowering under the living-room sofa.
    “I don’t get it,” said Miranda. “Humphrey looks just fine. Maybe it was a burglar.”
    But Miranda’s mom checked the closets and drawers, and nothing was missing.
    “Now, that’s a mystery,” said Miranda’s mother after she’d searched the whole apartment.
    Miranda stared at me, shaking her head.
    “If only Humphrey could