passengers on their way—not go with them!” As if to say that our job was to kill, not die …
Upon this, encumbered with the pain of having to stay in Kandalı, I dreamed my own dreams. Sometimes they even became reality. As a matter of fact, they did so many times and it was always exactly as I’d dreamed: I watched them being busted by the coast guard just as they believed their months-long torture of a journey to be over, a step or two short of whatever land they’d been promised. Or on TV or the photos in newspapers.
Many late nights I was so uplifted by the sight of their faces riddled with coast guards’ searchlights, I broke out laughing! As I watched them huddle together and freeze like a rabbit with a thousand eyes captured by a thousand hunters, I said, “See?” It was all for nothing! Now off to where you came from, on the first flight! The first time in your lives you’ll fly, and to be deported at that! Why don’t you fuck off and start all over again! But then my mouth would abruptly shut. Because it would occur to me that they’d just go by us again. Fuck this shit, I’d say! No getting rid of them for good! Why wouldn’t these people just stay at their homes? Why wouldn’t they stay in their cities? Why …Then I’d randomly plant myself in front of one and start hollering.
“Is there a war on your street, huh? Are people killing each other on your front stoop? Go, get outside then, and fight! Get killed or mauled, become a cripple! Is there hunger back where you live? Why don’t you have a kid and eat it! Eat yourself! Don’t presume to fuck up my life just because you want to up and go to the other side of the world! What do you think will happen when you get there anyhow? They’ll fuck the very marrow in your bones! What else do you expect? Because people are waiting for you with open arms, right? Idiot! You aren’t worth a damn where you’re going, don’t you get it? Of course you don’t! You’ll see! No one will want to sit next to you on the bus! No one will want to be left alone with you on an elevator! No one will return the greetings in that stupid accent of yours you’ll never get rid of! No one will want to be your neighbor! No one will let their child associate with your child! No one will want the slightest thing to do with your religion! No one will want to have to smell the reek of your cooking! No one will want you to earn money! No one will wish you more happiness or a longer life than themselves! No one will want to be behind you in a queue! No one will want you to be voting where you’re going! No one will want to sleep with you! No one will look you in the eye! No one will treat you like a human being! No one will want to know your name! If they do, believe me, they’re just insane or pretending! They’re going to hate you so much estate prices will go down wherever you move! Wake up already! Yet you’re still giving up your life to get there! You’re still working like a dog for years to save up money so you can hand it over to our kind! That goes to show … that goes to show that you deserve all your suffering. And that’s where I come in! I’m going to show you such a good time that you’re going to go and tell it to your piece of shit friends! That illegal immigration realm of yours! That realm with all your whispering among yourselves, ‘Who, where, for how much?’ That realm you cheer each other on with constant bullshit! And they’ll all be talking about you ! They’ll hear about what’s happened to you ! Because you’ll go tell them! You’ll be crying when you tell them! Maybe you won’t even be able to tell some parts of it! You’ll be too ashamed! They’ll gnaw on your wits! When we’re through our time together, anyone else that’s considering immigrating won’t even dare set foot outside their house! Or else, wherever they want to go, they’ll have to travel to do it over the North Pole … and I …”
And I what? My speech
Upon this, encumbered with the pain of having to stay in Kandalı, I dreamed my own dreams. Sometimes they even became reality. As a matter of fact, they did so many times and it was always exactly as I’d dreamed: I watched them being busted by the coast guard just as they believed their months-long torture of a journey to be over, a step or two short of whatever land they’d been promised. Or on TV or the photos in newspapers.
Many late nights I was so uplifted by the sight of their faces riddled with coast guards’ searchlights, I broke out laughing! As I watched them huddle together and freeze like a rabbit with a thousand eyes captured by a thousand hunters, I said, “See?” It was all for nothing! Now off to where you came from, on the first flight! The first time in your lives you’ll fly, and to be deported at that! Why don’t you fuck off and start all over again! But then my mouth would abruptly shut. Because it would occur to me that they’d just go by us again. Fuck this shit, I’d say! No getting rid of them for good! Why wouldn’t these people just stay at their homes? Why wouldn’t they stay in their cities? Why …Then I’d randomly plant myself in front of one and start hollering.
“Is there a war on your street, huh? Are people killing each other on your front stoop? Go, get outside then, and fight! Get killed or mauled, become a cripple! Is there hunger back where you live? Why don’t you have a kid and eat it! Eat yourself! Don’t presume to fuck up my life just because you want to up and go to the other side of the world! What do you think will happen when you get there anyhow? They’ll fuck the very marrow in your bones! What else do you expect? Because people are waiting for you with open arms, right? Idiot! You aren’t worth a damn where you’re going, don’t you get it? Of course you don’t! You’ll see! No one will want to sit next to you on the bus! No one will want to be left alone with you on an elevator! No one will return the greetings in that stupid accent of yours you’ll never get rid of! No one will want to be your neighbor! No one will let their child associate with your child! No one will want the slightest thing to do with your religion! No one will want to have to smell the reek of your cooking! No one will want you to earn money! No one will wish you more happiness or a longer life than themselves! No one will want to be behind you in a queue! No one will want you to be voting where you’re going! No one will want to sleep with you! No one will look you in the eye! No one will treat you like a human being! No one will want to know your name! If they do, believe me, they’re just insane or pretending! They’re going to hate you so much estate prices will go down wherever you move! Wake up already! Yet you’re still giving up your life to get there! You’re still working like a dog for years to save up money so you can hand it over to our kind! That goes to show … that goes to show that you deserve all your suffering. And that’s where I come in! I’m going to show you such a good time that you’re going to go and tell it to your piece of shit friends! That illegal immigration realm of yours! That realm with all your whispering among yourselves, ‘Who, where, for how much?’ That realm you cheer each other on with constant bullshit! And they’ll all be talking about you ! They’ll hear about what’s happened to you ! Because you’ll go tell them! You’ll be crying when you tell them! Maybe you won’t even be able to tell some parts of it! You’ll be too ashamed! They’ll gnaw on your wits! When we’re through our time together, anyone else that’s considering immigrating won’t even dare set foot outside their house! Or else, wherever they want to go, they’ll have to travel to do it over the North Pole … and I …”
And I what? My speech
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