Read Online Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 by Amanda Egan - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Amanda Egan
Tags: Humor, Humorous, Literature & Fiction, Contemporary Fiction, Contemporary Women, Women's Fiction, General Humor, Humor & Satire
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one I knew saw me on the way home.
“Well, you did ask for Edwardian whore,” Ned laughed as he examined my ‘rolled out of bed/half up-half down look’, “And I think you’ll find that’s exactly what you’ve got.” He then touched one of the escapee (intentional of course) curls and commented, “Great colour and, after all, the ‘whore-do’ is only temporary!”
“I think Mummy looks very pretty,” the ever-faithful Max piped up. “I like it when her hair is all shiny bright.”
Think that was meant as a good thing.
Fed Max and puppies then had a fortifying glass of wine before going upstairs to prepare for the fun ahead.
The bustle I’d managed to cobble together from an old lace skirt and cushion was very effective and made me realise how J. Lo must feel. Quite comfy to sit on too!
Called Ned for an extra pair of hands to get trussed up into the basque. Don’t think it’s quite as tight as it was last week as I can actually breathe in it now. Ned said I looked gorgeous, like a ripe Nell Gwyn.
Mum arrived to babysit and said I looked more like Mrs Lovett from ‘Sweeney Todd’.
She’d better watch it or I might just take up pie-making …
Sunday 15 th June
Head is throbbing as I write - really must try to show some self-restraint occasionally but it’s so hard when you’re caught up in the moment. I had such fun last night, the last thing I considered was waking up with a brain like a shrivelled prune and a mouth that appears to have been crapped in.
Definitely no alcohol for me next week.
Arrived at F&J’s last night to find that she’d really gone to town for the event. Their dining room had been transformed with velvet drapes and silk scarves. There was no electric light but every possible surface was glittering with variously shaped and sized scented candles.
Fenella looked wonderfully authentic - right down to the smudged red lippy and over-rouged cheeks. I needn’t have worried about my hooters being too much on display because her dumplings were well and truly boiling over and it didn’t seem to bother her in the slightest. Actually went to the loo and adjusted mine - couldn’t possibly be ‘out-boobed’.
Our men looked suitably rakish mixed with a little seediness - perfect combo in a man, I always think.
But of course we all looked like rank amateurs upon the arrival of Madame Sin & Rock Hard! Nic was every drag queen’s dream - God only knows where he got the costume but it fitted him (and his ‘falsies’) like a second skin and its many thousands of sequins caught the light with every movement. His wig was in the Diana Dors vein as was his slightly coarse humour. Think Fenella and I both need to concede that we were out-boobed by a gay.
Rick was the most masculine I’ve ever seen him and I found it a little disconcerting. He doesn’t usually do butch but he appeared to be finding it remarkably easy - clearly the actor in him. (Oooh, just thought of a double entendre attached to that but I don’t even want to go there! )
Sat down to eat at about 9, by which time we were all a little worse for wear after too many glasses of Josh’s ‘Authentic Absinthe’.
Don’t think any of us realised what a long night we’d be in for. After we’d read each scene from the provided scripts, we listened to a summing up CD and then questioned one another. Josh was determined to leave no stone unturned and insisted from very early on that he’d already twigged whodunit. At the end of the evening he admitted that he’d never had a clue and was just trying to appear sharp and not quite as pissed as he was.
I didn’t know who to accuse and still don’t have any idea why Madame Sinful would have strangled one her working girls with her own silk stocking, despite now being in full possession of the facts. Probably helps to keep a clear head when doing these things -
“Well, you did ask for Edwardian whore,” Ned laughed as he examined my ‘rolled out of bed/half up-half down look’, “And I think you’ll find that’s exactly what you’ve got.” He then touched one of the escapee (intentional of course) curls and commented, “Great colour and, after all, the ‘whore-do’ is only temporary!”
“I think Mummy looks very pretty,” the ever-faithful Max piped up. “I like it when her hair is all shiny bright.”
Think that was meant as a good thing.
Fed Max and puppies then had a fortifying glass of wine before going upstairs to prepare for the fun ahead.
The bustle I’d managed to cobble together from an old lace skirt and cushion was very effective and made me realise how J. Lo must feel. Quite comfy to sit on too!
Called Ned for an extra pair of hands to get trussed up into the basque. Don’t think it’s quite as tight as it was last week as I can actually breathe in it now. Ned said I looked gorgeous, like a ripe Nell Gwyn.
Mum arrived to babysit and said I looked more like Mrs Lovett from ‘Sweeney Todd’.
She’d better watch it or I might just take up pie-making …
Sunday 15 th June
Head is throbbing as I write - really must try to show some self-restraint occasionally but it’s so hard when you’re caught up in the moment. I had such fun last night, the last thing I considered was waking up with a brain like a shrivelled prune and a mouth that appears to have been crapped in.
Definitely no alcohol for me next week.
Arrived at F&J’s last night to find that she’d really gone to town for the event. Their dining room had been transformed with velvet drapes and silk scarves. There was no electric light but every possible surface was glittering with variously shaped and sized scented candles.
Fenella looked wonderfully authentic - right down to the smudged red lippy and over-rouged cheeks. I needn’t have worried about my hooters being too much on display because her dumplings were well and truly boiling over and it didn’t seem to bother her in the slightest. Actually went to the loo and adjusted mine - couldn’t possibly be ‘out-boobed’.
Our men looked suitably rakish mixed with a little seediness - perfect combo in a man, I always think.
But of course we all looked like rank amateurs upon the arrival of Madame Sin & Rock Hard! Nic was every drag queen’s dream - God only knows where he got the costume but it fitted him (and his ‘falsies’) like a second skin and its many thousands of sequins caught the light with every movement. His wig was in the Diana Dors vein as was his slightly coarse humour. Think Fenella and I both need to concede that we were out-boobed by a gay.
Rick was the most masculine I’ve ever seen him and I found it a little disconcerting. He doesn’t usually do butch but he appeared to be finding it remarkably easy - clearly the actor in him. (Oooh, just thought of a double entendre attached to that but I don’t even want to go there! )
Sat down to eat at about 9, by which time we were all a little worse for wear after too many glasses of Josh’s ‘Authentic Absinthe’.
Don’t think any of us realised what a long night we’d be in for. After we’d read each scene from the provided scripts, we listened to a summing up CD and then questioned one another. Josh was determined to leave no stone unturned and insisted from very early on that he’d already twigged whodunit. At the end of the evening he admitted that he’d never had a clue and was just trying to appear sharp and not quite as pissed as he was.
I didn’t know who to accuse and still don’t have any idea why Madame Sinful would have strangled one her working girls with her own silk stocking, despite now being in full possession of the facts. Probably helps to keep a clear head when doing these things -
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