Read Online Walking on Glass by Alma Fullerton - Free Book Online Page A

set it
    free.
    I remember the Mulier’s eagle
    smudging away,
    and I think maybe sometimes
    nonexistence
    is better than being
    caged.

JUST DO IT
    I stand watching her.
    I want to smack her
    for putting us through this.
    I want to scream,
    â€œWhy didn’t you want to live?
    You’re supposed to want to stay here
    with us!”
    If she’s going to die,
    she should get it over with
    and just
    do
    it.

MAYBE
    Dad’s right.
    Maybe
    Mom will fight.
    Maybe
    she will come back.
    Maybe
    things will change.
    Maybe…

A PARTY
    Right now,
    I want to party
    as much as I want to
    shove glass under my fingernails.
    Jack says, “I’ll pick you up.”
    So I go.

THE NEW GIRL
    At the party
    there’s a
    new girl.
    Alissa.
    Alissa
    smiles at me.
    I smile
    back.

AM I?
    Jack yells
    at his mother.
    Her tears dry
    on the cold linoleum.
    Like the blood
    I found on the floor
    of my house.
    Later, I say,
    â€œYou should be nicer
    to your mother.”
    Jack says,
    â€œYou’re turning into a wuss
    like your father.”

    And I wonder
    if I am.

JUST BECAUSE
    I can’t believe it.
    Just because I blow up at some kid,
    I have to see some
    school counselor,
    who is going to overanalyze
    everything
    I do.
    It’s bad enough that I have to see
    Dr. Mac once a week,
    because of my stupid mother.
    I’m refusing to go.

ANXIETY ATTACKS
    I have to dissolve
    one tiny tablet
    under my tongue
    every night.
    But unlike the pill,
    the pain won’t
    melt away.

ALISSA’S SONG
    Alissa sings in the choir.
    A soloist,
    with a voice
    beautiful enough
    to make anyone’s problems
    disappear.
    Almost.
    By the way,
    I didn’t mean it.
    Mom’s not
    stupid.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
    I stand over Mom,
    shaking inside,
    and wonder why she did it.
    Why she didn’t think
    about anyone
    but herself.
    Why she didn’t think
    about us.
    Why she didn’t think
    about me.

AFTER SCHOOL
    Jack and some of the Crypt
    push around
    some kids from the choir.
    Alissa is there.
    â€œKnock it off, Jack,” I say.
    â€œYou gonna stop us?” he asks.
    I don’t answer.
    â€œLoosen up.”
    Jack shoves my shoulder
    and walks away.

JACK AND ME
    I sit on my bed,
    staring at the walls.
    When we were eight,
    Jack and I rode our bikes to the lake.
    I remember having to pedal
    against the wind
    and was tired by the time we got
    there.
    When we were swimming,
    a big wave washed over me
    and was pulling me out
    deeper into the lake.
    Jack grabbed my arm.
    He dragged me out of the water.
    After that, we promised we’d be
    best friends forever.

NURSES
    Nurses lurk
    around Mom’s bed
    like vultures.
    But Dad guards her—
    a lion
    ready to pounce on
    the vultures as they swoop
    to take away his mate.
    He doesn’t seem to know
    what the vultures
    already know.
    She’s gone.

WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS
    If Mom came home,
    things wouldn’t change.
    Her mood would always flip
    from bad to worse
    in a matter of seconds,
    and for the rest of our lives
    Dad and I would
    be walking on
    shards of glass
    from a broken
    chandelier.

ALISSA
    After French class,
    Alissa says, “Bonjour.
    Comment ça va?”
    I say, “Lahblah.”
    But she doesn’t
    seem to mind.

HOMEWORK
    Dad says, “Do your homework.
    It’s important to get good grades
    so you can go to college.”
    I won’t go to college.
    Mom’s machines suck the
    money out of our lives.
    Leaving nothing.

MONEY
    Jack has so much
    money
    now
    he just buys things
    without looking
    at how much they cost.

THE CONVERSATION
    When I was fourteen,
    I was suspended from school
    because I was caught with drugs.
    Mom freaked.
    She yelled, “Drugs will take you on
    the road to nowhere.
    They’ll control your life
    and you’ll end up a nobody
    behind caged walls.
    Don’t let anything trap
    you like that.”
    I wonder if she knew then
    that she’d be the one
    to trap me.

TALKING
    Dr. Mac