you’re a nice girl who’s just a little misunderstood. Because Castle is the most decent
guy I’ve ever known and I want to help him out.”
My heart is pounding so hard I’m surprised it’s not bleeding.
“So I’m wondering,” he says to me. He drops the foot he was resting on his knee. Leans
forward. Props his elbows on his thighs. “I’m wondering if it’s possible that all
of this is just coincidence . I mean, was it just some crazy coincidence that I ended up working with you? Me? One of the very few people here who have access
to that room? Or was it coincidence that you managed to threaten me into taking you
down to the research labs? That you then, somehow, accidentally, coincidentally, unknowingly
punched a fist into the ground that shook this place so hard we all thought the walls
were caving in?” He stares at me, hard. “Was it a coincidence,” he says, “that if
you’d held on for just a few more seconds, this entire place would’ve collapsed in
on itself?”
My eyes are wide, horrified, caught.
He leans back. Looks down. Presses 2 fingers to his lips.
“Do you actually want to be here?” he asks. “Or are you just trying to bring us down
from the inside?”
“What?” I gasp. “No—”
“Because you either know exactly what you’re doing—and you’re a hell of a lot sneakier than you pretend to be—or you
really have no clue what you’re doing and you just have really shitty luck. I haven’t decided yet.”
“Kenji, I swear, I never—I n-never—” I have to bite back the words to blink back the
tears. It’s crippling, this feeling, this not knowing how to prove your own innocence.
It’s my entire life replayed over and over and over again, trying to convince people
that I’m not dangerous, that I never meant to hurt anyone, that I didn’t intend for
things to turn out this way. That I’m not a bad person.
But it never seems to work out.
“I’m so sorry,” I choke, the tears flowing fast now. I’m so disgusted with myself.
I tried so hard to be different, to be better, to be good, and I just went and ruined everything and lost everything all over again and I don’t
even know how to tell him he’s wrong.
Because he might be right.
I knew I was angry. I knew I wanted to hurt Castle and I didn’t care. In that moment,
I meant it. In the anger of that moment, I really, truly meant it. I don’t know what
I would’ve done if Kenji hadn’t been there to hold me back. I don’t know. I have no
idea. I don’t even understand what I’m capable of.
How many times , I hear a voice whisper in my head, how many times will you apologize for who you are?
I hear Kenji sigh. Shift in his seat. I don’t dare lift my eyes.
“I had to ask, Juliette.” Kenji sounds uncomfortable. “I’m sorry you’re crying but
I’m not sorry I asked. It’s my job to constantly be thinking of our safety—and that
means I have to look at every possible angle. No one knows what you can do yet. Not
even you. But you keep trying to act like what you’re capable of isn’t a big deal,
and it’s not helping anything. You need to stop trying to pretend you’re not dangerous.”
I look up too fast. “But I’m not—I’m n-not trying to hurt anyone—”
“That doesn’t matter,” he says, standing up. “Good intentions are great, but they
don’t change the facts. You are dangerous. Shit, you’re scary dangerous. More dangerous than me and everyone else in here. So don’t ask me to act
like that knowledge, in and of itself, isn’t a threat to us. If you’re going to stay
here,” he says to me, “you have to learn how to control what you do—how to contain
it. You have to deal with who you are and you have to figure out how to live with
it. Just like the rest of us.”
3 knocks at the door.
Kenji is still staring at me. Waiting.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“And you and Kent need to sort out your drama ASAP,”
guy I’ve ever known and I want to help him out.”
My heart is pounding so hard I’m surprised it’s not bleeding.
“So I’m wondering,” he says to me. He drops the foot he was resting on his knee. Leans
forward. Props his elbows on his thighs. “I’m wondering if it’s possible that all
of this is just coincidence . I mean, was it just some crazy coincidence that I ended up working with you? Me? One of the very few people here who have access
to that room? Or was it coincidence that you managed to threaten me into taking you
down to the research labs? That you then, somehow, accidentally, coincidentally, unknowingly
punched a fist into the ground that shook this place so hard we all thought the walls
were caving in?” He stares at me, hard. “Was it a coincidence,” he says, “that if
you’d held on for just a few more seconds, this entire place would’ve collapsed in
on itself?”
My eyes are wide, horrified, caught.
He leans back. Looks down. Presses 2 fingers to his lips.
“Do you actually want to be here?” he asks. “Or are you just trying to bring us down
from the inside?”
“What?” I gasp. “No—”
“Because you either know exactly what you’re doing—and you’re a hell of a lot sneakier than you pretend to be—or you
really have no clue what you’re doing and you just have really shitty luck. I haven’t decided yet.”
“Kenji, I swear, I never—I n-never—” I have to bite back the words to blink back the
tears. It’s crippling, this feeling, this not knowing how to prove your own innocence.
It’s my entire life replayed over and over and over again, trying to convince people
that I’m not dangerous, that I never meant to hurt anyone, that I didn’t intend for
things to turn out this way. That I’m not a bad person.
But it never seems to work out.
“I’m so sorry,” I choke, the tears flowing fast now. I’m so disgusted with myself.
I tried so hard to be different, to be better, to be good, and I just went and ruined everything and lost everything all over again and I don’t
even know how to tell him he’s wrong.
Because he might be right.
I knew I was angry. I knew I wanted to hurt Castle and I didn’t care. In that moment,
I meant it. In the anger of that moment, I really, truly meant it. I don’t know what
I would’ve done if Kenji hadn’t been there to hold me back. I don’t know. I have no
idea. I don’t even understand what I’m capable of.
How many times , I hear a voice whisper in my head, how many times will you apologize for who you are?
I hear Kenji sigh. Shift in his seat. I don’t dare lift my eyes.
“I had to ask, Juliette.” Kenji sounds uncomfortable. “I’m sorry you’re crying but
I’m not sorry I asked. It’s my job to constantly be thinking of our safety—and that
means I have to look at every possible angle. No one knows what you can do yet. Not
even you. But you keep trying to act like what you’re capable of isn’t a big deal,
and it’s not helping anything. You need to stop trying to pretend you’re not dangerous.”
I look up too fast. “But I’m not—I’m n-not trying to hurt anyone—”
“That doesn’t matter,” he says, standing up. “Good intentions are great, but they
don’t change the facts. You are dangerous. Shit, you’re scary dangerous. More dangerous than me and everyone else in here. So don’t ask me to act
like that knowledge, in and of itself, isn’t a threat to us. If you’re going to stay
here,” he says to me, “you have to learn how to control what you do—how to contain
it. You have to deal with who you are and you have to figure out how to live with
it. Just like the rest of us.”
3 knocks at the door.
Kenji is still staring at me. Waiting.
“Okay,” I whisper.
“And you and Kent need to sort out your drama ASAP,”
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