and threw him overboard.”
“Oh, my God,” Elizabeth whispered. She rose without thought and went to him, drawn as she would have been drawn to any wounded animal with anguished eyes. She placed one of her hands gently on his shoulder, and he took the other in both of his, staring down at it blindly.
In a monotone, he went on. “I could see he was dead; nothing human could have lived like that. And the worst of it was that I couldn’t react, couldn’t let them see what I felt. There were thirty of them, and we were on the open sea. I wasn’t armed. What could I do? I watched them throw my father overboard, and I turned as if it didn’t matter to me and walked away. And I guess I wasconvincing, because they never suspected me. We made port a few days later, and Hagen had an army out there an hour after I called him.”
“Kelsey, I’m sorry.”
He was still holding her hand gently in both of his, gazing down at it. “I went home. Back to college. I guess I even tried to act like a normal kid again. But I didn’t fit in that world anymore. I’d seen something I could hardly bear to live with, and it would be with me for the rest of my life. There were CIA recruiters at my college; when they offered me a job, I accepted. I worked for them about five years. Then Hagen came back into my life, and reminded me that he had sworn me in first and asked what the hell I was doing with the Company. He offered more freedom. I took it. And I fit in his world too.
“I think that, for a while, I got some kind of satisfaction out of defying death. I became a danger junkie. I just didn’t give a damn what happened. I took the most insane chances.”
Elizabeth found that she was softly kneading his shoulder, instinctively trying to ease taut muscles.Her eyes were burning and there was a lump in her throat.
Kelsey shook his head a little. “God knows what would have happened if I hadn’t had the luck of the Irish and several outstanding partners over the years. My luck held long enough for those partners to straighten me out.” He looked up at her then and forced a small smile. “I’ve been an agent almost fifteen years.”
Elizabeth hadn’t realized she was standing so close until he looked up at her. She was, she realized then, standing between his knees. Too close … too close. But she couldn’t move away, couldn’t break the hold of his slate gray eyes. She cleared her throat. “Why did you tell me?”
He shrugged. “You said you didn’t know me. Now you know more about me than most of the friends who’ve known me for fifteen years. Maybe that’ll count for something.” He sounded almost tired, and his face had the strained look of something held still for too long.
She didn’t know what to think. Trust him—or not trust him? Which was the real Kelsey? Thisquiet man with pain in his eyes, or the one who would lightly charm and passionately seduce? Unaware of the confusion in her voice, she said, “I don’t trust you, Kelsey.”
“I know you don’t. But I wish like hell you would.”
“You confuse me. You say you want to help. But you also said that this weekend we would—”
“Be in your bed.” He sighed softly. “I didn’t count on this, Elizabeth. I didn’t count on you. In my business, you don’t get close to anyone involved in the situations you’re investigating, because it puts you in danger. In danger of losing your objectivity. In danger of caring too much about the ‘wrong’ things. In danger of forgetting all the training and years of experience.”
He released her hand, finding her waist and gently pulling her down until she was sitting on his thigh. His voice became lower, deeper, his eyes intent as they searched her face. “A good agent has to be virtually autonomous, able to act instantly and think only of resolving the situation. When you’re … self-contained, nothing can hurtyou. You do your job and walk away. But when you lose that autonomy, when there’s
“Oh, my God,” Elizabeth whispered. She rose without thought and went to him, drawn as she would have been drawn to any wounded animal with anguished eyes. She placed one of her hands gently on his shoulder, and he took the other in both of his, staring down at it blindly.
In a monotone, he went on. “I could see he was dead; nothing human could have lived like that. And the worst of it was that I couldn’t react, couldn’t let them see what I felt. There were thirty of them, and we were on the open sea. I wasn’t armed. What could I do? I watched them throw my father overboard, and I turned as if it didn’t matter to me and walked away. And I guess I wasconvincing, because they never suspected me. We made port a few days later, and Hagen had an army out there an hour after I called him.”
“Kelsey, I’m sorry.”
He was still holding her hand gently in both of his, gazing down at it. “I went home. Back to college. I guess I even tried to act like a normal kid again. But I didn’t fit in that world anymore. I’d seen something I could hardly bear to live with, and it would be with me for the rest of my life. There were CIA recruiters at my college; when they offered me a job, I accepted. I worked for them about five years. Then Hagen came back into my life, and reminded me that he had sworn me in first and asked what the hell I was doing with the Company. He offered more freedom. I took it. And I fit in his world too.
“I think that, for a while, I got some kind of satisfaction out of defying death. I became a danger junkie. I just didn’t give a damn what happened. I took the most insane chances.”
Elizabeth found that she was softly kneading his shoulder, instinctively trying to ease taut muscles.Her eyes were burning and there was a lump in her throat.
Kelsey shook his head a little. “God knows what would have happened if I hadn’t had the luck of the Irish and several outstanding partners over the years. My luck held long enough for those partners to straighten me out.” He looked up at her then and forced a small smile. “I’ve been an agent almost fifteen years.”
Elizabeth hadn’t realized she was standing so close until he looked up at her. She was, she realized then, standing between his knees. Too close … too close. But she couldn’t move away, couldn’t break the hold of his slate gray eyes. She cleared her throat. “Why did you tell me?”
He shrugged. “You said you didn’t know me. Now you know more about me than most of the friends who’ve known me for fifteen years. Maybe that’ll count for something.” He sounded almost tired, and his face had the strained look of something held still for too long.
She didn’t know what to think. Trust him—or not trust him? Which was the real Kelsey? Thisquiet man with pain in his eyes, or the one who would lightly charm and passionately seduce? Unaware of the confusion in her voice, she said, “I don’t trust you, Kelsey.”
“I know you don’t. But I wish like hell you would.”
“You confuse me. You say you want to help. But you also said that this weekend we would—”
“Be in your bed.” He sighed softly. “I didn’t count on this, Elizabeth. I didn’t count on you. In my business, you don’t get close to anyone involved in the situations you’re investigating, because it puts you in danger. In danger of losing your objectivity. In danger of caring too much about the ‘wrong’ things. In danger of forgetting all the training and years of experience.”
He released her hand, finding her waist and gently pulling her down until she was sitting on his thigh. His voice became lower, deeper, his eyes intent as they searched her face. “A good agent has to be virtually autonomous, able to act instantly and think only of resolving the situation. When you’re … self-contained, nothing can hurtyou. You do your job and walk away. But when you lose that autonomy, when there’s
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