the breaths again and it’s like screaming down a well. I’m back on chest compressions when Landry pulls me off her. ‘It’s over,’ he tells me. They’re all here, all the guys, paramedics on the way. I see now that the ring on her hand is not a real ring, but one of those lollipop candy rings.
“By the time the paramedics arrive, I’m sitting on a stoop outside one of the houses. I’m sitting there and I’m watching them go through the same CPR rigmarole. But it’s hopeless, right? After they gave up, when they were loading Caspars and Barnes onto the bus, one of the paramedics puts the sheets on their faces, but the other medic pulls them off. He won’t pronounce them dead in front of all of us. The bus takes them away with the sirens going all crazy, and after they’re gone I hear Hart saying that was very respectful, the way the guy took the sheets off their faces, and I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not because to me it’s such a pointless gesture. And maybe even a little cowardly to let the hospital doctor declare them DOA. But that’s probably unfair of me to say. I take that back. Those medics work hard, I know. And what a spot they were in. What a difficult spot with all of us staring at them.
“A little later Landry finds me on my stoop to tell me they found the Pathfinder eight blocks away. Abandoned. It’d take another two days before we found Nene hiding in the woods in Pennsylvania and his buddy at a relative’s in Towson, Maryland. At the time, though, out on that stoop, Landry is telling me IA will be here soon to investigate the shooting. He reminds me that I can delay the interview for up to seventy-two hours. Then he says he’s gotta ask me something. Do I remember if the kel-mics were working when we left the rumpus?
“ ‘No,’ I tell him.
“ ‘No you don’t remember, or no they weren’t working?’
“When I say, ‘No they weren’t working,’ he tells me to take a second tothink about it. What you have to understand, guys, is that this is a good man. A decent, moral human being who’s lost two decent, moral human beings, and he wants to protect as many people as possible now, people above and below him. And that’s natural, in my opinion. That’s why we go into this job, to protect as many people as possible. And really, when it comes right down to it, if I can keep a brother away from the wolves in Internal Affairs, then that’s what I’m going to do, ten times out of ten.
“I ask Landry what does he want me to tell them, and he says, ‘If you don’t remember, I want you to say you don’t remember. There’s nothing wrong with that.’
“He didn’t have to say, ‘No one will trust the testimony of a cop who was blotto drunk on the job.’ But he didn’t say, either, that by protecting our butts today we might be jeopardizing the lives of future uncles, who at the very least should expect to have working kel-mics. But that’s all theoretical, you know? And this is a real person standing over me on the stoop, saying, ‘If you don’t remember, you don’t remember,’ and I dropped my head between my knees, which I guess he interpreted as a nod of acceptance, which I guess it sort of was.
“He asks if he can get me anything and I tell him a bottle of water. Ten minutes later this pretty blond patrol brings me a warm can of Diet Pepsi that’s probably been sitting in her squad car all day. I popped the tab so she wouldn’t feel offended, but I didn’t drink any of it. I wasn’t even thirsty. The whole reason I wanted the water was to wash off my face. I had this crazy thought that my wife was going to show up and I didn’t want her to see me with Barnes’s blood all over my mouth.
“Later, back at the rumpus, Landry pulls the buy board off the wall. He dismantles it in front of us, gets rid of the Polaroids and everything. Okay, well, that’s a nice gesture, but now what? Because we are properly traumatized, let me tell you. Dudes
“By the time the paramedics arrive, I’m sitting on a stoop outside one of the houses. I’m sitting there and I’m watching them go through the same CPR rigmarole. But it’s hopeless, right? After they gave up, when they were loading Caspars and Barnes onto the bus, one of the paramedics puts the sheets on their faces, but the other medic pulls them off. He won’t pronounce them dead in front of all of us. The bus takes them away with the sirens going all crazy, and after they’re gone I hear Hart saying that was very respectful, the way the guy took the sheets off their faces, and I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not because to me it’s such a pointless gesture. And maybe even a little cowardly to let the hospital doctor declare them DOA. But that’s probably unfair of me to say. I take that back. Those medics work hard, I know. And what a spot they were in. What a difficult spot with all of us staring at them.
“A little later Landry finds me on my stoop to tell me they found the Pathfinder eight blocks away. Abandoned. It’d take another two days before we found Nene hiding in the woods in Pennsylvania and his buddy at a relative’s in Towson, Maryland. At the time, though, out on that stoop, Landry is telling me IA will be here soon to investigate the shooting. He reminds me that I can delay the interview for up to seventy-two hours. Then he says he’s gotta ask me something. Do I remember if the kel-mics were working when we left the rumpus?
“ ‘No,’ I tell him.
“ ‘No you don’t remember, or no they weren’t working?’
“When I say, ‘No they weren’t working,’ he tells me to take a second tothink about it. What you have to understand, guys, is that this is a good man. A decent, moral human being who’s lost two decent, moral human beings, and he wants to protect as many people as possible now, people above and below him. And that’s natural, in my opinion. That’s why we go into this job, to protect as many people as possible. And really, when it comes right down to it, if I can keep a brother away from the wolves in Internal Affairs, then that’s what I’m going to do, ten times out of ten.
“I ask Landry what does he want me to tell them, and he says, ‘If you don’t remember, I want you to say you don’t remember. There’s nothing wrong with that.’
“He didn’t have to say, ‘No one will trust the testimony of a cop who was blotto drunk on the job.’ But he didn’t say, either, that by protecting our butts today we might be jeopardizing the lives of future uncles, who at the very least should expect to have working kel-mics. But that’s all theoretical, you know? And this is a real person standing over me on the stoop, saying, ‘If you don’t remember, you don’t remember,’ and I dropped my head between my knees, which I guess he interpreted as a nod of acceptance, which I guess it sort of was.
“He asks if he can get me anything and I tell him a bottle of water. Ten minutes later this pretty blond patrol brings me a warm can of Diet Pepsi that’s probably been sitting in her squad car all day. I popped the tab so she wouldn’t feel offended, but I didn’t drink any of it. I wasn’t even thirsty. The whole reason I wanted the water was to wash off my face. I had this crazy thought that my wife was going to show up and I didn’t want her to see me with Barnes’s blood all over my mouth.
“Later, back at the rumpus, Landry pulls the buy board off the wall. He dismantles it in front of us, gets rid of the Polaroids and everything. Okay, well, that’s a nice gesture, but now what? Because we are properly traumatized, let me tell you. Dudes
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