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Authors: John Swartzwelder
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the time
paradoxes I had created. He warned me to be careful. I said it was a little
late for careful. What we needed now was damage control, some story we could
give to the press, and a fall guy.
While Groggins was cussing me out
and telling me a lot of things about my character that I already knew, and if
you really want to bore me that’s the way to do it, I noticed about a dozen
copies of me were next to the phone trying to listen in.
One of them said: “What is he
saying? Is it about us?”
“Piss off,” I told them. They
looked stunned, then filed out of the office with identical hurt expressions on
their faces. Hey, I can’t be nice to everybody.
I told Groggins to relax. This
could all be fixed easily enough.
“Just tell me how to use the
machine. I’ll go back in time a couple of minutes and sort this all out. I’ve
got to at least get rid of some of these gas bills. So how do you operate this
thing?”
A criminal’s voice came over the
phone. “First you…“ Then he stopped talking immediately, as if he had been told
to shut up by some friends.
“What was that?” asked Groggins.
“I don’t know. Sounded like
someone telling someone else to shutup.”
We listened to see if we could
hear anything more, but aside from some heavy breathing, and a couple more
shutups, the line was quiet. Groggins gave me a quick tutorial in the use of
the machine; which buttons to push, how to set the dials, which fingers to
cross, and so on.
“Remember to get in a phone booth
or some similar confined space so you won’t take things from the present back
in time with you. It could have unforeseen consequences.
“I’m only going back a couple of
minutes.”
“Yes, but…”
I hung up and started setting the
dials the way he had said to set them. Unfortunately I had to hurry because the
police were banging on my door demanding entrance and the surrender of the time
machine. I didn’t know how they found out that I had it. Maybe one of those
criminals had blabbed it. I saw Dodge’s foot come through the bottom of the
door, then his forehead come through the middle of the door. I didn’t have much
time.
I quickly punched in some numbers,
then pressed the button. My office suddenly looked all shimmery and out of
focus. I rubbed my eyes, which made everything more out of focus, so I stopped
doing that. I was going back in time all right. The ride was pretty bumpy at
first, until I stopped shaking the briefcase. I have these nervous habits.
The machine had a speaker and a
voice kept coming out of it yelling frantically “you are going back in time!
back in time! back in time!” until I found the button to turn the speaker off.
After awhile I was pretty sure I
was going a lot farther back than I’d intended, but I didn’t know enough about
the machine to chance stopping it mid-trip. I figured wherever I ended up, I
would just come right back. No problem. Who could stop me? No one could, that’s
who could. I was the Master Of Space And Time. Ha-ha.
When the world around me stopped
shimmering and sharpened into focus again I figured my trip was over. That
feeling was confirmed when the time machine stopped vibrating and printed out
an invoice. I took a look at the bill and then tore it up. I’m not going to pay
that. I looked around. I was still in my office, but it looked a lot newer.
Also it was full of typists banging away on manual typewriters. They stopped
typing for a moment and stared at me, then resumed their work. I didn’t
remember having all those typists. You’d think I’d remember something like
that. I looked at the door. It said “International Radium Watch Dial &
Asbestos Corporation. America’s Fastest Growing Company.” Never heard of it.
Sounded like I should buy some stock in it though.
My desk had been moved to a
different spot in my office and my 3000 gas bills, which had traveled back in
time with me, were now in a pile on the floor. I guessed that was what Groggins
was
paradoxes I had created. He warned me to be careful. I said it was a little
late for careful. What we needed now was damage control, some story we could
give to the press, and a fall guy.
While Groggins was cussing me out
and telling me a lot of things about my character that I already knew, and if
you really want to bore me that’s the way to do it, I noticed about a dozen
copies of me were next to the phone trying to listen in.
One of them said: “What is he
saying? Is it about us?”
“Piss off,” I told them. They
looked stunned, then filed out of the office with identical hurt expressions on
their faces. Hey, I can’t be nice to everybody.
I told Groggins to relax. This
could all be fixed easily enough.
“Just tell me how to use the
machine. I’ll go back in time a couple of minutes and sort this all out. I’ve
got to at least get rid of some of these gas bills. So how do you operate this
thing?”
A criminal’s voice came over the
phone. “First you…“ Then he stopped talking immediately, as if he had been told
to shut up by some friends.
“What was that?” asked Groggins.
“I don’t know. Sounded like
someone telling someone else to shutup.”
We listened to see if we could
hear anything more, but aside from some heavy breathing, and a couple more
shutups, the line was quiet. Groggins gave me a quick tutorial in the use of
the machine; which buttons to push, how to set the dials, which fingers to
cross, and so on.
“Remember to get in a phone booth
or some similar confined space so you won’t take things from the present back
in time with you. It could have unforeseen consequences.
“I’m only going back a couple of
minutes.”
“Yes, but…”
I hung up and started setting the
dials the way he had said to set them. Unfortunately I had to hurry because the
police were banging on my door demanding entrance and the surrender of the time
machine. I didn’t know how they found out that I had it. Maybe one of those
criminals had blabbed it. I saw Dodge’s foot come through the bottom of the
door, then his forehead come through the middle of the door. I didn’t have much
time.
I quickly punched in some numbers,
then pressed the button. My office suddenly looked all shimmery and out of
focus. I rubbed my eyes, which made everything more out of focus, so I stopped
doing that. I was going back in time all right. The ride was pretty bumpy at
first, until I stopped shaking the briefcase. I have these nervous habits.
The machine had a speaker and a
voice kept coming out of it yelling frantically “you are going back in time!
back in time! back in time!” until I found the button to turn the speaker off.
After awhile I was pretty sure I
was going a lot farther back than I’d intended, but I didn’t know enough about
the machine to chance stopping it mid-trip. I figured wherever I ended up, I
would just come right back. No problem. Who could stop me? No one could, that’s
who could. I was the Master Of Space And Time. Ha-ha.
When the world around me stopped
shimmering and sharpened into focus again I figured my trip was over. That
feeling was confirmed when the time machine stopped vibrating and printed out
an invoice. I took a look at the bill and then tore it up. I’m not going to pay
that. I looked around. I was still in my office, but it looked a lot newer.
Also it was full of typists banging away on manual typewriters. They stopped
typing for a moment and stared at me, then resumed their work. I didn’t
remember having all those typists. You’d think I’d remember something like
that. I looked at the door. It said “International Radium Watch Dial &
Asbestos Corporation. America’s Fastest Growing Company.” Never heard of it.
Sounded like I should buy some stock in it though.
My desk had been moved to a
different spot in my office and my 3000 gas bills, which had traveled back in
time with me, were now in a pile on the floor. I guessed that was what Groggins
was
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