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other. “Anyone who has a ghost,” God informed Moses, “shall be put to death.” (Lev. 20:27) “Won’t that just create
more
ghosts?” flashed across his mind, but he dismissed it instantly, muttering “ludicrous” to himself as he did.
    His creatures were scared of death. God knew that. Even if ghosts didn’t exist, humans would probably have made them up to comfort themselves. Humans did things like that—devising stories and characters to make themselves feel better and less afraid. It was touching in a way and for a moment, God softened. “It’s not easy being human,” he said to himself. “It’s quite frightening apparently. Death scares them terribly and they need to find ways to comfort themselves.” Still, was he supposed to just let it pass? No. Anyone who talked to a ghost needed to have large rocks hurled at their head until they were dead. It was the only thing to do.
    These problems were frustrating to God because what he wanted to be doing was giving his people advice on important matters like—well, sideburns, for instance! “You shall not destroy the side growth of your beard,” he told Moses. (Lev. 19:27) God liked sideburns—
loved
them, actually. Most of his angels had them and he thought they looked quite virile. “Destroying them is a sin,” God thought. That’s how he put it—not “cutting them off,” but “destroying them.” (God sometimes wondered if he wouldlook good with sideburns. He decided he would, very much so.)
    â€œI also want to give them advice on buying and selling houses!” God proclaimed—and so he did. (Lev. 25:29–30) This felt, he had to admit, slightly trivial, given that he was God and all. (“Is it like Abraham Lincoln adding skin-care advice to the Gettysburg Address?” he wondered. No, that was completely wrong. For one thing, Lincoln wouldn’t even exist for another 3,000 years! For another, what if he
did
offer skin-care advice in the Gettysburg Address? Would that be so bad?)
    Again and again, maddeningly, God had to command his mulish, recalcitrant people to obey him. “If you do obey me,” he told them, “you will be untroubled by enemies, including wild animals.” (Lev. 26:6) (“Can I really promise that?” he briefly wondered.) “But if you
don’t
obey me …” God considered what he wanted to say to his people, then nodded, having found the perfect thing: “If you
don’t
obey me, I will send wild animals to eat your children.”
That
should do it, he thought. But just to be sure, he added “I will also make you eat your own children.” (Lev. 26:22–29)
    God smiled, thinking of how his people would react to that one. “We don’t want to eat our own children!” they would wail. Which was his point, obviously. Obey me and you won’t have to! Disobey me and you will! There was little doubt this would work; humans had zero desire to eat their own children, God knew that. But
just in case
they still wanted to disobey, God lowered the boom on them.
    â€œIf you don’t obey me,” he told Moses, pausing for effect … “I will no longer savor your pleasing odors.” (Lev. 26:31) God chuckled, thinking about how that one would land.
    â€œWhy isn’t God asking us to grill meat for him anymore?”
    â€œHe no longer savors the smell!!”
    â€œNoooooooooooo!!”

Chapter Thirteen
    God thought he’d straightened everything out with his “eat your own children” threat—but there seemed to be something almost beyond reach in many of his people. They were proud, stubborn,
difficult.
No matter what God said or did, they seemed … unconvinced. That made him seethe. “I chose one small group of people on the entire planet to be mine and even most of them doubt my words!”
    God felt especially bad for Moses.