Read Online Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks by Matt Andrews - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Matt Andrews
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this.
Is this Doug? The horse carriage ride guy?
Hello, yes.
Hi, my name is Rod Jablonski. I may need your services. What’s a carriage ride cost these days?
Well, that depends on several things.
What and when is the event?
It’s in 2 weeks. It’s for a 30 year high school reunion.
Fun! I’ve never chauffeured someone to a HS reunion before.
It’s $250 for the first hour and $150 for every hour after.
Alright, I think I can swing that.
Ok, sounds good.
I have a couple extra requests though. I can pay extra.
What are the extras?
Here is the deal, I haven’t seen these people in years and I really want to make a good impression. Can you dress up in a knight suit? I told a few people that I was rich as shit and I wanna show up in like a king costume.
Truth is, I work at a Cracker Barrel.
But they don’t know that.
Sorry, I don’t do the costume thing.
I can’t dress up working with the horse like that.
I’d be happy to give you a ride while you wear a costume though.
Well I guess that’s ok.
Just FYI, horses don’t mind knight costumes. Knights used to ride horses all the time. I bet your horse’s grandfather was ridden by a knight.
Yeah … Well I won’t be riding my horse dressed as a knight.
Think you can introduce me when we pull up to the entrance of the high school?
Sure.
Can you say “hear ye, hear ye! Make way for m’lord Rod Jablonski!”
Uh, I guess.
Then get down and kiss my shoes?
No way.
I can pay you an extra $15 and hook you up with a shit load of Cracker bucks.
Not gonna happen.
It’s the same thing as money but it only works at the Cracker Barrel.
There’s no way I’m kissing your feet.
Well, for the amount I’m paying, there ought to be some extra services in addition to the horse ride.
I didn’t see it in the ad, but does the ride come with women in bikinis who can dangle grapes into my mouth and stuff.
Forget it man, this is fucking ridiculous.
I run a serious business, not some medieval chauffeur service. Go rent a corvette or some shit.
Hello
Is this Ryan?
Yea can I help you
Just looking for a little assistance with some cable installation.
oh ok great!
What cable provider are you currently using?
I’m not real sure.
Is that ok?
No problem!
Do you need any outlets installed? Any wiring?
Ryan, I’ll be honest.
I’m not really good with electronics.
Thats ok.
Just tell me what exactly you’re trying to do?
Well simply put, I need you to set up cable TV in a backyard treehouse.
Ok that shouldn’t be too hard.
How far is the treehouse from your home?
I’d say maybe 20 yards, give or take.
Ok well then it’s really just a wiring issue.
We could run a line, underground, from the house to the treehouse.
Shouldn’t be too big of an issue.
That sounds like it could work.
When are you free? What’s your address?
I can swing by and get you an estimate.
Well your ad says you work nights and weekends. That’s probably best for me, as well.
Yes
What’s the best day for you?
I’m free this Thursday night.
That works for me.
ok
How about you swing by around 11 and we’ll go from there.
11 at night?
Yea
That’s a little too late for me
Sorry
When I say “nights” I mean between 5 and 8 pm.
Nothing too much later than that.
Well thats not gonna work for me
ok
how about Saturday afternoon?
No that won’t work either.
I can probably do 9pm on Thursday.
Will that work?
Thats pushing it.
But I think I may be able to swing that.
If the job sounds as simple as just placing a line …
Ok good.
Well if you’re doing it that early I’m gonna need you to park on the street behind the house and jump the fence.
You ok with that?
Hello?
Why would I need to do that?
Well I don’t want to startle anyone.
And I know everybody in the house usually goes to sleep around 9.
I’m not following you.
Well, I’ll be honest with you Ryan.
Technically they don’t know I live in the tree house.
Who?
The people
Is this Doug? The horse carriage ride guy?
Hello, yes.
Hi, my name is Rod Jablonski. I may need your services. What’s a carriage ride cost these days?
Well, that depends on several things.
What and when is the event?
It’s in 2 weeks. It’s for a 30 year high school reunion.
Fun! I’ve never chauffeured someone to a HS reunion before.
It’s $250 for the first hour and $150 for every hour after.
Alright, I think I can swing that.
Ok, sounds good.
I have a couple extra requests though. I can pay extra.
What are the extras?
Here is the deal, I haven’t seen these people in years and I really want to make a good impression. Can you dress up in a knight suit? I told a few people that I was rich as shit and I wanna show up in like a king costume.
Truth is, I work at a Cracker Barrel.
But they don’t know that.
Sorry, I don’t do the costume thing.
I can’t dress up working with the horse like that.
I’d be happy to give you a ride while you wear a costume though.
Well I guess that’s ok.
Just FYI, horses don’t mind knight costumes. Knights used to ride horses all the time. I bet your horse’s grandfather was ridden by a knight.
Yeah … Well I won’t be riding my horse dressed as a knight.
Think you can introduce me when we pull up to the entrance of the high school?
Sure.
Can you say “hear ye, hear ye! Make way for m’lord Rod Jablonski!”
Uh, I guess.
Then get down and kiss my shoes?
No way.
I can pay you an extra $15 and hook you up with a shit load of Cracker bucks.
Not gonna happen.
It’s the same thing as money but it only works at the Cracker Barrel.
There’s no way I’m kissing your feet.
Well, for the amount I’m paying, there ought to be some extra services in addition to the horse ride.
I didn’t see it in the ad, but does the ride come with women in bikinis who can dangle grapes into my mouth and stuff.
Forget it man, this is fucking ridiculous.
I run a serious business, not some medieval chauffeur service. Go rent a corvette or some shit.
Hello
Is this Ryan?
Yea can I help you
Just looking for a little assistance with some cable installation.
oh ok great!
What cable provider are you currently using?
I’m not real sure.
Is that ok?
No problem!
Do you need any outlets installed? Any wiring?
Ryan, I’ll be honest.
I’m not really good with electronics.
Thats ok.
Just tell me what exactly you’re trying to do?
Well simply put, I need you to set up cable TV in a backyard treehouse.
Ok that shouldn’t be too hard.
How far is the treehouse from your home?
I’d say maybe 20 yards, give or take.
Ok well then it’s really just a wiring issue.
We could run a line, underground, from the house to the treehouse.
Shouldn’t be too big of an issue.
That sounds like it could work.
When are you free? What’s your address?
I can swing by and get you an estimate.
Well your ad says you work nights and weekends. That’s probably best for me, as well.
Yes
What’s the best day for you?
I’m free this Thursday night.
That works for me.
ok
How about you swing by around 11 and we’ll go from there.
11 at night?
Yea
That’s a little too late for me
Sorry
When I say “nights” I mean between 5 and 8 pm.
Nothing too much later than that.
Well thats not gonna work for me
ok
how about Saturday afternoon?
No that won’t work either.
I can probably do 9pm on Thursday.
Will that work?
Thats pushing it.
But I think I may be able to swing that.
If the job sounds as simple as just placing a line …
Ok good.
Well if you’re doing it that early I’m gonna need you to park on the street behind the house and jump the fence.
You ok with that?
Hello?
Why would I need to do that?
Well I don’t want to startle anyone.
And I know everybody in the house usually goes to sleep around 9.
I’m not following you.
Well, I’ll be honest with you Ryan.
Technically they don’t know I live in the tree house.
Who?
The people
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