and embraced the few minutes of feeling safe that were about to follow.
“What are these?” I asked, peering into the paper bag.
“Aspirin,” he answered in a confessional tone, leaving me bewildered. “I was called into the E.R. this afternoon on my way to see you. When I’d finished you were gone. I had to know you were okay.”
Why?
“I’m fine. I told you I would be fine.”
“And would you tell me if you weren’t?” I thought about it for a moment and decided I probably wouldn’t. What would be the point?
“Yes, I would,” I lied. “But let’s face it, you’re not around for me to tell now. I’m not your patient anymore,” I answered a little more acerbically than I’d intended. The realisation sent my heart diving into my stomach.
“I’m here now.”
Again, why?
What did he want from me? Was I really just his patient? I had no reason to believe he was anything more than my doctor but I could just feel some kind of invisible, inexplicable force between us. Magnetic almost – as if I was physically being pulled towards him. I studied his face intently for signs that he felt it too. His brow was furrowed – was he confused, like me? His breathing was strained – was his heart aching, like mine? His fingers were fidgeting by his sides – was it stop them reaching out and touching me, like mine with him?
Of course it isn’t. Stop being so fucking dumb.
Struggling to believe he felt it too I convinced myself I was just seeing what I wanted to and the sheer perplexity of it all rapidly grew into frustration.
“Look, Richard… I’ve told you I don’t want support from any shrink, counsellor or whoever else you’ve got up your sleeve,” I snapped.
“What about me? What about support from me? ”
Why!
“I really do understand some of what you’re going through.”
Like hell you do.
“You’ve been great – everyone at the hospital has. But I’ve been discharged now. I’m not your responsibility anymore.” Richard’s brow dropped and he started rubbing his forearm. I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or frustrated but he was most definitely not what he should’ve been – indifferent.
My mind and my heart were bursting at the seams.
“Of course.” He nodded crisply – back in doctor mode. “My apologies again for disturbing you so late. If you need anything or have any concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact the hospital,” he responded so frustratingly formally. I decided there and then he definitely had two sides. Richard and Doctor Lewis were like two completely different people – like Jekyll and Hyde.
Nodding equally formally, I turned to go back inside.
“Amy?” He gently grabbed my arm just above my cast and pulled me back a step. “Take care of yourself.”
I nodded once again and smiled warmly at him. When he released his hold of my arm my heart struck a painfully fast rhythm and I knew this was probably the last time I’d ever see him. Swallowing back a choking lump in my throat I headed back inside, closing the door without looking back.
I was taking my first step on the stairs when I was abruptly pulled back down.
“What have you been telling him?” my dad roared. Before my brain had time to process his words I found myself pinned up against the wall by the strong, smarting grip of his hand around the base of my throat.
“Nothing. I’ve said nothing,” I wheezed.
“Don’t bullshit me, girl. Doctor’s don’t just turn up like that. I’m sure he has enough monkeys to do his dirty work for him. I hope for your sake you’re telling the goddamn truth.”
“I am. I swear it,” I choked out.
“Get upstairs,” he demanded after giving my neck one last shove into the wall. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was expecting worse.
I was back hibernating under my quilt – which was still damp from my earlier tears – when every bad thought that led me down the path to the hospital returned with vigorous speed. I tried to
“What are these?” I asked, peering into the paper bag.
“Aspirin,” he answered in a confessional tone, leaving me bewildered. “I was called into the E.R. this afternoon on my way to see you. When I’d finished you were gone. I had to know you were okay.”
Why?
“I’m fine. I told you I would be fine.”
“And would you tell me if you weren’t?” I thought about it for a moment and decided I probably wouldn’t. What would be the point?
“Yes, I would,” I lied. “But let’s face it, you’re not around for me to tell now. I’m not your patient anymore,” I answered a little more acerbically than I’d intended. The realisation sent my heart diving into my stomach.
“I’m here now.”
Again, why?
What did he want from me? Was I really just his patient? I had no reason to believe he was anything more than my doctor but I could just feel some kind of invisible, inexplicable force between us. Magnetic almost – as if I was physically being pulled towards him. I studied his face intently for signs that he felt it too. His brow was furrowed – was he confused, like me? His breathing was strained – was his heart aching, like mine? His fingers were fidgeting by his sides – was it stop them reaching out and touching me, like mine with him?
Of course it isn’t. Stop being so fucking dumb.
Struggling to believe he felt it too I convinced myself I was just seeing what I wanted to and the sheer perplexity of it all rapidly grew into frustration.
“Look, Richard… I’ve told you I don’t want support from any shrink, counsellor or whoever else you’ve got up your sleeve,” I snapped.
“What about me? What about support from me? ”
Why!
“I really do understand some of what you’re going through.”
Like hell you do.
“You’ve been great – everyone at the hospital has. But I’ve been discharged now. I’m not your responsibility anymore.” Richard’s brow dropped and he started rubbing his forearm. I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or frustrated but he was most definitely not what he should’ve been – indifferent.
My mind and my heart were bursting at the seams.
“Of course.” He nodded crisply – back in doctor mode. “My apologies again for disturbing you so late. If you need anything or have any concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact the hospital,” he responded so frustratingly formally. I decided there and then he definitely had two sides. Richard and Doctor Lewis were like two completely different people – like Jekyll and Hyde.
Nodding equally formally, I turned to go back inside.
“Amy?” He gently grabbed my arm just above my cast and pulled me back a step. “Take care of yourself.”
I nodded once again and smiled warmly at him. When he released his hold of my arm my heart struck a painfully fast rhythm and I knew this was probably the last time I’d ever see him. Swallowing back a choking lump in my throat I headed back inside, closing the door without looking back.
I was taking my first step on the stairs when I was abruptly pulled back down.
“What have you been telling him?” my dad roared. Before my brain had time to process his words I found myself pinned up against the wall by the strong, smarting grip of his hand around the base of my throat.
“Nothing. I’ve said nothing,” I wheezed.
“Don’t bullshit me, girl. Doctor’s don’t just turn up like that. I’m sure he has enough monkeys to do his dirty work for him. I hope for your sake you’re telling the goddamn truth.”
“I am. I swear it,” I choked out.
“Get upstairs,” he demanded after giving my neck one last shove into the wall. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was expecting worse.
I was back hibernating under my quilt – which was still damp from my earlier tears – when every bad thought that led me down the path to the hospital returned with vigorous speed. I tried to
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