Read Online On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk by Alison Hughes - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Alison Hughes
Ads: Link
on the phone, behind that scary secretary;
(c) dealing with more important things than my science project (like finding the jerk who swung the elementary swings around and around); and
(d) unwilling to answer questions about why principals might be jerks or idiots.
Teachers are no help here. Teachers tend to:
(a) be teaching, and get annoyed when you raise your hand to ask whether the principal can be a jerk;
(b) escape to and hide in dark staff rooms when they arenât teaching;
(c) say shifty, vague things like âWell, everyone has bad daysâ¦â but never get into details; and
(d) be very aware of the fact that principals can fire them.
So I have very little data on principals. My brother told me that his principal plays soccer with them but sometimes makes them sing too much. It is unclear whether encouraging children to sing qualifies as jerkish behavior.
At my friendâs old school, kids got sent down to the office, where they had to sit on THE BENCH. THE BENCH was an uncomfortable stone bench where you sat, got a numb behind and worried about seeing the principal. But a bench isnât a jerkish thing. A bench is just a bench. Unless the principal left kids to sweat for a really long time on THE BENCH, I canât see how that made her a jerk.
I have to rely on scientific deduction for this one. Principals are generally human. They are not babies or toddlers. I have scientifically established that adult humans can be jerks and idiots. Therefore, principals can be jerks and idiots. I think a guy named Aristotle was the first one to come up with this kind of reasoning. But I believe I am the first scientist to apply it to the study of jerkology.
CHAPTER 10
Miscellaneous Jerks
The previous chapters have covered (in thorough scientific studies) most of the areas of life where jerks can be found. But there are still a few miscellaneous jerks left over who donât fit into the usual categories. Now, you might only run into these jerks once in a while, but in the interests of completeness, I thought they should be included and rated on the scale.
A) Nurses
Now, most of the nurses Iâve known have been fine (do I have to keep saying that?). The nurse I had when I had my tonsils out got me some after-hours ice cream and told me jokes. Like, what goes ha-ha-ha-PLOP? Somebody laughing their head off . Okay, kind of lame, but when youâre green from anesthetic and your throat feels like itâs on fire, itâs good for a dry chuckle.
For every, say, few thousand nice, cheerful nurses, there will be a jerk nurse. Take our family doctorâs office. Iâm there with my mom, in the crowded waiting room, leafing through a ten-year-old Sports Illustrated . The nurse calls my name. While my mom and I are putting down our magazines and getting up (literally taking two seconds), she calls my name again, sharply, like âthis is the last time I will call this name!â Whoa, whoa, whoaâ¦weâve been waiting patiently, not snapping at anybody, for an appointment that was supposed to happen half an hour ago, and all of a sudden, because weâre not sprinting to the desk, we get some attitude? Anyway, as she sees us, but weâre still in the crowded waiting room, she rustles her papers and booms, âHEâS IN FOR WARTS? AGAIN??â First, Iâm right here. Second, lower your voice . Third, Iâm not trying to sprout these things, you know.
Rating: 7-8 (highly jerkish behavior)
B) Doctors and Dentists
My brother canât help having lousy teeth. I think itâs something to do with his saliva, which is gross, but still, he canât help it. Anyway, he even had to have an operation on his jaw when he was only five years old. Sucks.
So heâs lying there after the surgery with his face all pale and swollen like a chipmunkâs. I thought we had the wrong kid at first, because he looked nothing like my brother Joe. I checked his hospital bracelet,
(c) dealing with more important things than my science project (like finding the jerk who swung the elementary swings around and around); and
(d) unwilling to answer questions about why principals might be jerks or idiots.
Teachers are no help here. Teachers tend to:
(a) be teaching, and get annoyed when you raise your hand to ask whether the principal can be a jerk;
(b) escape to and hide in dark staff rooms when they arenât teaching;
(c) say shifty, vague things like âWell, everyone has bad daysâ¦â but never get into details; and
(d) be very aware of the fact that principals can fire them.
So I have very little data on principals. My brother told me that his principal plays soccer with them but sometimes makes them sing too much. It is unclear whether encouraging children to sing qualifies as jerkish behavior.
At my friendâs old school, kids got sent down to the office, where they had to sit on THE BENCH. THE BENCH was an uncomfortable stone bench where you sat, got a numb behind and worried about seeing the principal. But a bench isnât a jerkish thing. A bench is just a bench. Unless the principal left kids to sweat for a really long time on THE BENCH, I canât see how that made her a jerk.
I have to rely on scientific deduction for this one. Principals are generally human. They are not babies or toddlers. I have scientifically established that adult humans can be jerks and idiots. Therefore, principals can be jerks and idiots. I think a guy named Aristotle was the first one to come up with this kind of reasoning. But I believe I am the first scientist to apply it to the study of jerkology.
CHAPTER 10
Miscellaneous Jerks
The previous chapters have covered (in thorough scientific studies) most of the areas of life where jerks can be found. But there are still a few miscellaneous jerks left over who donât fit into the usual categories. Now, you might only run into these jerks once in a while, but in the interests of completeness, I thought they should be included and rated on the scale.
A) Nurses
Now, most of the nurses Iâve known have been fine (do I have to keep saying that?). The nurse I had when I had my tonsils out got me some after-hours ice cream and told me jokes. Like, what goes ha-ha-ha-PLOP? Somebody laughing their head off . Okay, kind of lame, but when youâre green from anesthetic and your throat feels like itâs on fire, itâs good for a dry chuckle.
For every, say, few thousand nice, cheerful nurses, there will be a jerk nurse. Take our family doctorâs office. Iâm there with my mom, in the crowded waiting room, leafing through a ten-year-old Sports Illustrated . The nurse calls my name. While my mom and I are putting down our magazines and getting up (literally taking two seconds), she calls my name again, sharply, like âthis is the last time I will call this name!â Whoa, whoa, whoaâ¦weâve been waiting patiently, not snapping at anybody, for an appointment that was supposed to happen half an hour ago, and all of a sudden, because weâre not sprinting to the desk, we get some attitude? Anyway, as she sees us, but weâre still in the crowded waiting room, she rustles her papers and booms, âHEâS IN FOR WARTS? AGAIN??â First, Iâm right here. Second, lower your voice . Third, Iâm not trying to sprout these things, you know.
Rating: 7-8 (highly jerkish behavior)
B) Doctors and Dentists
My brother canât help having lousy teeth. I think itâs something to do with his saliva, which is gross, but still, he canât help it. Anyway, he even had to have an operation on his jaw when he was only five years old. Sucks.
So heâs lying there after the surgery with his face all pale and swollen like a chipmunkâs. I thought we had the wrong kid at first, because he looked nothing like my brother Joe. I checked his hospital bracelet,
Similar Books
