Read Online Now That Hes Gone by Beverly Tobocman - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Beverly Tobocman
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wage-earner and care-giver, and has accepted these roles with grace and enthusiasm.
Deborah's philosophy is the motto for her life: “If you work hard, you can do anything to which you set your mind.” There is not a shred of victim in this philosophy. It is pure victor, focusing on what you have and what you can do, rather than on what is lacking. It is this attitude that I know you can adopt. It is this attitude that will destroy any artificial boundaries you might feel are limiting you now. It is this attitude that will spur you on to thrive once again.
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Chapter 8 – Intention + Action = Success
You might think it odd to write about “success” in a book for women who have recently lost their primary male relationship. That's understandable. Most women in your shoes are just thinking about getting through the day, putting their shattered lives back together and somehow making it on their own. At this point, “success” is probably not even on your radar screen. But allow me to explain why I bring up this topic here.
Let's start by acknowledging that men and women view “success” differently. You might have noticed that men tend to define success in terms of accomplishments and possessions. Their accomplishments are the games they win, the deals they close, the money they make, the obstacles they overcome. Their possessions are the cars they drive, the “toys” they buy, the assets they accumulate.
We women, on the other hand, tend to define success in terms of feelings and relationships. It's important to women to feel safe, happy, confident, “together.” It's also important to us to have healthy relationships—a marriage that works, involvement in the lives of our children, friends we can count on, harmony with our neighbors, co-workers we like.
I realize these are broad statements, with plenty of exceptions on both sides. Yes, there are men who want non-material success and many women like to achieve and accumulate possessions. But for our purposes here, it can be helpful to focus on feelings and relationships in measuring how successful you will be as you make your way through life on your own. As before, we can examine lives of our sisters who have been successful at this to see what information and inspiration they can provide us.
“You must make a decision to be happy.”
Ellen is a woman whom I got to know through a marriage in my family. It didn't take long for her to become a friend. She's in her late 80's with blonde hair cut in a “Buster Brown” style and a trim little body which she keeps in shape with the help of a personal trainer. A non-stop, almost frenetic ball of energy, she has more get-up-and-go than women less than half her age. She dresses fashionably, travels extensively and is constantly redecorating her apartment.
Born on the East Coast in 1920, Ellen married young and moved to Los Angeles when her husband, a physician, decided to build his practice there. Though she had a good life, she has had more than her share of heartbreak—including seven miscarriages. Rather than dwell on all these losses, she instead focuses on the one daughter who survived and who has become a source of great support and help since Ellen's husband died. She's also suffered a stroke that has slowed her down some, but she says with a twinkle in her eye that she will be back to 100 percent before you know it.
“Concentrate on what you have, not on what you've lost,” she advises. “You have to take the time and make the effort to stretch outside your comfort zone. You can't wait for the phone to ring. Eventually, people give up on you.”
Ellen certainly does not sit and wait for the phone to ring. If anything, she keeps other people's phones ringing. She is the leader and organizer of a group of women, all in their 80's, who are very much alive, passionate and involved. Some of them work, some of them date, and all of them make it a point to celebrate every
Deborah's philosophy is the motto for her life: “If you work hard, you can do anything to which you set your mind.” There is not a shred of victim in this philosophy. It is pure victor, focusing on what you have and what you can do, rather than on what is lacking. It is this attitude that I know you can adopt. It is this attitude that will destroy any artificial boundaries you might feel are limiting you now. It is this attitude that will spur you on to thrive once again.
******************************
Chapter 8 – Intention + Action = Success
You might think it odd to write about “success” in a book for women who have recently lost their primary male relationship. That's understandable. Most women in your shoes are just thinking about getting through the day, putting their shattered lives back together and somehow making it on their own. At this point, “success” is probably not even on your radar screen. But allow me to explain why I bring up this topic here.
Let's start by acknowledging that men and women view “success” differently. You might have noticed that men tend to define success in terms of accomplishments and possessions. Their accomplishments are the games they win, the deals they close, the money they make, the obstacles they overcome. Their possessions are the cars they drive, the “toys” they buy, the assets they accumulate.
We women, on the other hand, tend to define success in terms of feelings and relationships. It's important to women to feel safe, happy, confident, “together.” It's also important to us to have healthy relationships—a marriage that works, involvement in the lives of our children, friends we can count on, harmony with our neighbors, co-workers we like.
I realize these are broad statements, with plenty of exceptions on both sides. Yes, there are men who want non-material success and many women like to achieve and accumulate possessions. But for our purposes here, it can be helpful to focus on feelings and relationships in measuring how successful you will be as you make your way through life on your own. As before, we can examine lives of our sisters who have been successful at this to see what information and inspiration they can provide us.
“You must make a decision to be happy.”
Ellen is a woman whom I got to know through a marriage in my family. It didn't take long for her to become a friend. She's in her late 80's with blonde hair cut in a “Buster Brown” style and a trim little body which she keeps in shape with the help of a personal trainer. A non-stop, almost frenetic ball of energy, she has more get-up-and-go than women less than half her age. She dresses fashionably, travels extensively and is constantly redecorating her apartment.
Born on the East Coast in 1920, Ellen married young and moved to Los Angeles when her husband, a physician, decided to build his practice there. Though she had a good life, she has had more than her share of heartbreak—including seven miscarriages. Rather than dwell on all these losses, she instead focuses on the one daughter who survived and who has become a source of great support and help since Ellen's husband died. She's also suffered a stroke that has slowed her down some, but she says with a twinkle in her eye that she will be back to 100 percent before you know it.
“Concentrate on what you have, not on what you've lost,” she advises. “You have to take the time and make the effort to stretch outside your comfort zone. You can't wait for the phone to ring. Eventually, people give up on you.”
Ellen certainly does not sit and wait for the phone to ring. If anything, she keeps other people's phones ringing. She is the leader and organizer of a group of women, all in their 80's, who are very much alive, passionate and involved. Some of them work, some of them date, and all of them make it a point to celebrate every
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