Read Online Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 06 by Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers - Free Book Online Page B

‘The Prince ofDarkness’ at home. He needs very careful managing.” Then Uncle Eddie looked back at the man, and he had two plastic spoons stuck up his nose. Why?
    The Prince of Darkness and his porky pal, my vati, have already embarrassed themselves by ordering ridiculous cocktails with umbrellas in them. And flirting with the air hostesses; it is vair vair sad. If they start singing and putting on their Elvis quiffs I will go mad. I suppose Dad imagines his leather trousers make him look like a groover. I said to Mum, “Was Vati meaning to look like a transvestite?”
    But she was fiddling about with her seat belt.
    She said, “Do you think I could get an extra one? This doesn’t look very sturdy, does it?”
    â€œI wouldn’t bother about your belt, Mum. This airplane must weigh about a million tons, and that little belt is not going to save you when we nosedive two miles into the Atlantic.”
    She said, “Shut up,” which I don’t think is very caring.
    However, live and let live. And also let the spirit of holidaynosity and LuuurveGoddosity run rife through the aisles of life, is what I say.
    Jas, who is wearing her “traveling outift,” i.e., some enormous joggers and pigtails, said, “Do you remember the captain on the boat when we went on the school trip to Froggyland?”
    â€œJas, how could I ever forget Captain Mad? We were lucky to crash into France, otherwise we would be still there going round and—”
    Then the plane’s captain came on the tannoy.
    â€œGud evening, ladies and gents, we’re awae on our trip to Memphis, and hoots a clear nacht the noo.”
    Dear God. He was from Och Aye land.
    I clutched Mum and said, “We’re all doomed. Doomed, I tell you.”
    Which I thought was quite funny. Mum didn’t.
    two hours later
    Rollers in for bounceability hairwise. We checked first that there were no fit boys on the flight. Not, as I said to Jas, that I am remotely interested. I said, “I am eschewing the General Horn and red bottomosity with a firm hand, but you never know.”
    Dad turned round when he smelled the nail polish (I decided to change Pouting Pink for Go Baby) and saw us in our rollers. After he hadstopped laughing he and Uncle Eddie amused themselves by pretending we were space creatures. Dad kept showing us things and saying, “Spoon, do not be afraid. This is a SPOON.”
    Then they’d go back to talking rubbish and a few minutes later Dad would turn round with a fork to show us.
    Vair vair amusing.
    How we laughed.
    Not.
    Libby is in Libbyland making Scuba Diving Barbie and Sandra do “snoggling.” If Sandra wasn’t in fact our Lord in a dress it would be lezzie snogging. I blame my parents because of their lack of moral code. Mum has relaxed enough to start her usual flirting with anything in trousers. She almost wet herself when the bloke across the aisle (Randy) asked her if she had been a child bride. (I told you he was mad.)
    When she nipped off to apply yet more makeup, I leaned over her seat to talk to Randy.
    â€œEr, howdy. Do you know anyone called Masimo Scarlotti in Manhattan?”
    Randy looked as if he was a rabbit caught in a car’s headlights. He was vair vair nervous for noreason. Eventually he said, “Well, er, Manhattan is a big place and…”
    I smiled. “I don’t think an eighth of an inch mapwise is that big, really.”
    He just looked at me.
    I said to Jas quietly, “I don’t think that Randy has all the buttons on his cardigan, if you know what I mean.”
    But I gave him the benefit of the doubtosity. I smiled at him and he took a big glug of his vodka.
    Â 
    Still on this sodding plane somewhere in the Atlantic.
    The captain keeps telling us to put our watches back an hour; it’s more like having a clock driving than a person.
    fifteen thousand hours or something. or is that our height?
    I said to Jas,