stomach, and this new nausea? How could I have been so stupid? A new, overwhelming reality was sinking in. The wife said she wouldnât mention anything to my dad. She was such a nice lady, which made it hard to hate her, and I wanted to hate her . . . for my mom. She handed me some saltines, stroked my hair, and sauntered the French bikini back up the ladder. She was young, and really cool, and looked remarkably like Farrah Fawcett.
We left the Caribbean after ten days and arrived back in Chicago late at night. Dorothy was asleep when we returned. I was supposed to go to school the next day. Iâd already missed two days because of our vacation. I could barely function, living with the notion that I might be pregnant. A hellish fury of fear was takingover. I got up early the next morning, dressed, and left the house so I wouldnât have to see my mom or anyone. I was sweating even though it was freezing cold that day. I drove downtown to meet the new wife at her doctorâs office. They did a pregnancy test and then the doctor put an instrument on my stomach that sounded exactly like the ocean, like the crashing of the waves against the boat when we sailed. We heard a thump, swoosh, thump, swoosh, thump, swoosh. The doctor and Farrah Fawcett looked at each other, and then the doctor said to me: âThat sound . . . is the heartbeat of a baby.â
What? What the fuck? I pushed his hand away from my body and went into some sort of shock. I couldnât speak; I could barely breathe.
The wife called my dad and told him to meet us at their apartment in the city, right after the doctorâs appointment. I was still in disbelief. How had I let it come to this? How did the wife figure this out before me? We sat down in the fancy living room with my dad and the wife, whose name was actually Kate, and she told him I was pregnant. My father looked at me a long time, and then out the window over the buildings at Lake Michigan, and then told me he was really sorry for me; he was sorry for the situation. He was sadâreally sad. Iâd never seen him like that, and it ripped hard at me. I didnât know Lee even had that kind of emotion inside. I knew what a massive disappointment this was. I knew that I had made him feel this unbearable unhappiness. It was unforgivable. My dad stood up and said heâd have to call my mother. He was going to ask her to come downtown to meet us at his and Kateâs apartment, which threw me into a complete tailspin.
âNo, Dad, please no. I will tell Mom myself. Iâll drive home right now and tell her, and then call you.â My mother and father hadnât really spoken since the divorce. And my mother had never met the Farrah Fawcett wife, and I didnât want her to have to endure all of that because of me.
âThat will not do, Diz,â my father said. âShe needs to come here and we will all talk about it and figure out the plan.â
âDad, we can do that tomorrow at a restaurant or something, but please donât do this. Donât have her come here. I think that would be really hard for her. Please.â
âStop it, Liz, thatâs ridiculous. Your mother is a grown woman. Iâm going in to call her.â I kept begging, but he turned around sharply and told me to sit down, which I did. I always did what he asked; thatâs who I was.
My mom arrived an hour later. She was wearing her black pencil skirt, with black pumps, a navy blue wool coat with brass buttons, and a paisley silk scarf around her neck, composed like always. But the look on her face will remain fixed in my memory forever. I watched Dorothy take in the elegant apartment with its floor-to-ceiling windows. She looked at the walls, the carpet, the lush upholstered furniture, the life my dad was living without her, and then stopped at the astounding view of the city and Lake Michigan out the window. And finally she looked at me, and I wanted to
We left the Caribbean after ten days and arrived back in Chicago late at night. Dorothy was asleep when we returned. I was supposed to go to school the next day. Iâd already missed two days because of our vacation. I could barely function, living with the notion that I might be pregnant. A hellish fury of fear was takingover. I got up early the next morning, dressed, and left the house so I wouldnât have to see my mom or anyone. I was sweating even though it was freezing cold that day. I drove downtown to meet the new wife at her doctorâs office. They did a pregnancy test and then the doctor put an instrument on my stomach that sounded exactly like the ocean, like the crashing of the waves against the boat when we sailed. We heard a thump, swoosh, thump, swoosh, thump, swoosh. The doctor and Farrah Fawcett looked at each other, and then the doctor said to me: âThat sound . . . is the heartbeat of a baby.â
What? What the fuck? I pushed his hand away from my body and went into some sort of shock. I couldnât speak; I could barely breathe.
The wife called my dad and told him to meet us at their apartment in the city, right after the doctorâs appointment. I was still in disbelief. How had I let it come to this? How did the wife figure this out before me? We sat down in the fancy living room with my dad and the wife, whose name was actually Kate, and she told him I was pregnant. My father looked at me a long time, and then out the window over the buildings at Lake Michigan, and then told me he was really sorry for me; he was sorry for the situation. He was sadâreally sad. Iâd never seen him like that, and it ripped hard at me. I didnât know Lee even had that kind of emotion inside. I knew what a massive disappointment this was. I knew that I had made him feel this unbearable unhappiness. It was unforgivable. My dad stood up and said heâd have to call my mother. He was going to ask her to come downtown to meet us at his and Kateâs apartment, which threw me into a complete tailspin.
âNo, Dad, please no. I will tell Mom myself. Iâll drive home right now and tell her, and then call you.â My mother and father hadnât really spoken since the divorce. And my mother had never met the Farrah Fawcett wife, and I didnât want her to have to endure all of that because of me.
âThat will not do, Diz,â my father said. âShe needs to come here and we will all talk about it and figure out the plan.â
âDad, we can do that tomorrow at a restaurant or something, but please donât do this. Donât have her come here. I think that would be really hard for her. Please.â
âStop it, Liz, thatâs ridiculous. Your mother is a grown woman. Iâm going in to call her.â I kept begging, but he turned around sharply and told me to sit down, which I did. I always did what he asked; thatâs who I was.
My mom arrived an hour later. She was wearing her black pencil skirt, with black pumps, a navy blue wool coat with brass buttons, and a paisley silk scarf around her neck, composed like always. But the look on her face will remain fixed in my memory forever. I watched Dorothy take in the elegant apartment with its floor-to-ceiling windows. She looked at the walls, the carpet, the lush upholstered furniture, the life my dad was living without her, and then stopped at the astounding view of the city and Lake Michigan out the window. And finally she looked at me, and I wanted to
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