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Book: It's Not Okay: Turning Heartbreak into Happily Never After by Andi Dorfman
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Authors: Andi Dorfman
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engagement, I’m single, homeless, and depressed, and the only thing that makes me feel better is feeling nothing at all—and the only times that happens is when I’m asleep or buzzed. It could be worse: I could be popping Xanax like Tic Tacs, dancing on bar tops, or spreading my legs for anything with a penis, right? Plus, it’s not as if I plan on staying in this bed forever; Kelly is bound to get sick of me at some point. For now, my bed is my boyfriend, Mr. Cabernet is my best friend, and no self-help article is going to persuade me otherwise.
No amount of pretending to be strong is going to rid me of these shitty feelings that accompany heartbreak. Sorry, it’s true. I’m not about to start sugarcoating it for you now. This is the brutal period, when you realize just how much heartbreak BLOWS. It is likely the most pain you have ever been in and possibly (hopefully) will ever have to be in. Truth is, heartbreak weakens you; it literally hurts you, from the inside out—and right now in these first few days, nothing will change that. People can try and cheer you up, and they will, because they care, but it won’t help. You can find some upbeat quote on Pinterest to cheer you up, but no amount of pretty cursive font and gold stripes will be enough for you to actually believe whatever it’s saying. All of that will come later, I promise! For now, you are still in survival mode. Do whatever you gotta do to stay afloat. Besides, how many of those “self-help” authors are actually in relationships anyway?
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Lesson learned: Stay away from the self-help, but don’t stay away from the red wine.
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DAY 6. 12:50 P.M.
Tears and Sesame Chicken
I ’m still feeling an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and sadness from the public announcement, despite it having happened days ago. I’m trying to stay afloat, I really am, but this shit is hard! I figure, things can’t get much worse than this, so I might as well bask in the misery. Thus, I’ve called the closest Chinese restaurant that delivers and ordered the sesame chicken lunch special, which is one hell of a bargain. Did you know that for $8.95 you can get sesame chicken, fried rice, an egg roll, and a fortune cookie? It’s perfect for a day like today, which I plan to spend engulfed in a marathon Scandal binge. It’s long been my favorite television show, and I’d be lying if I said the phrase “It’s handled” isn’t part of my daily vocabulary. I make it through the first episode when the doorbell rings and my Chinese food arrives. Opening up the fortune cookie first, I add my traditional “in bed” to the end in order to make myself laugh. This one isn’t that great: “Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises . . . in bed.” Booooo!
As I press play on the second scandalous episode, I realize that I am watching it all wrong—the popcorn is missing! How could I forget such a necessity? Somewhere, Olivia Pope is rolling her eyes at me over this mishap. I quickly pop a bag in the microwave while I continue eating my sesame chicken during the minute and forty-five seconds before the popcorn is ready. The fact that I am scarfing down Chinese food as I simultaneously wait for my popcorn to finish popping is not lost upon me, but, screw it, the brokenhearted deserve hall passes too, right? Sorry we can’t all have a home-cooked meal with our significant other. I mean, don’t get me wrong, once upon a time I totally got to be that hot girlfriend who dressed up in nothing but heels and an apron and had dinner (and my body) ready when my boyfriend got home. But clearly that’s not a recipe for happiness. Maybe the single girls have had it right all along. They don’t have to have dinner hot and ready for their man the second he walks in the door, they certainly don’t have to shave their legs, let alone worry about a man seeing them naked. Basically, being single gets you a free certificate to avoid slaving away over a
No amount of pretending to be strong is going to rid me of these shitty feelings that accompany heartbreak. Sorry, it’s true. I’m not about to start sugarcoating it for you now. This is the brutal period, when you realize just how much heartbreak BLOWS. It is likely the most pain you have ever been in and possibly (hopefully) will ever have to be in. Truth is, heartbreak weakens you; it literally hurts you, from the inside out—and right now in these first few days, nothing will change that. People can try and cheer you up, and they will, because they care, but it won’t help. You can find some upbeat quote on Pinterest to cheer you up, but no amount of pretty cursive font and gold stripes will be enough for you to actually believe whatever it’s saying. All of that will come later, I promise! For now, you are still in survival mode. Do whatever you gotta do to stay afloat. Besides, how many of those “self-help” authors are actually in relationships anyway?
----
Lesson learned: Stay away from the self-help, but don’t stay away from the red wine.
----
DAY 6. 12:50 P.M.
Tears and Sesame Chicken
I ’m still feeling an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and sadness from the public announcement, despite it having happened days ago. I’m trying to stay afloat, I really am, but this shit is hard! I figure, things can’t get much worse than this, so I might as well bask in the misery. Thus, I’ve called the closest Chinese restaurant that delivers and ordered the sesame chicken lunch special, which is one hell of a bargain. Did you know that for $8.95 you can get sesame chicken, fried rice, an egg roll, and a fortune cookie? It’s perfect for a day like today, which I plan to spend engulfed in a marathon Scandal binge. It’s long been my favorite television show, and I’d be lying if I said the phrase “It’s handled” isn’t part of my daily vocabulary. I make it through the first episode when the doorbell rings and my Chinese food arrives. Opening up the fortune cookie first, I add my traditional “in bed” to the end in order to make myself laugh. This one isn’t that great: “Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises . . . in bed.” Booooo!
As I press play on the second scandalous episode, I realize that I am watching it all wrong—the popcorn is missing! How could I forget such a necessity? Somewhere, Olivia Pope is rolling her eyes at me over this mishap. I quickly pop a bag in the microwave while I continue eating my sesame chicken during the minute and forty-five seconds before the popcorn is ready. The fact that I am scarfing down Chinese food as I simultaneously wait for my popcorn to finish popping is not lost upon me, but, screw it, the brokenhearted deserve hall passes too, right? Sorry we can’t all have a home-cooked meal with our significant other. I mean, don’t get me wrong, once upon a time I totally got to be that hot girlfriend who dressed up in nothing but heels and an apron and had dinner (and my body) ready when my boyfriend got home. But clearly that’s not a recipe for happiness. Maybe the single girls have had it right all along. They don’t have to have dinner hot and ready for their man the second he walks in the door, they certainly don’t have to shave their legs, let alone worry about a man seeing them naked. Basically, being single gets you a free certificate to avoid slaving away over a
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