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Authors: Mhairi McFarlane
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aisle, pulled it right down,’ Aggy indicated waist level. ‘But Clare said she didn’t mind because she’d dropped five grand on saline implants in the Czech Republic. She was like,’ Aggy pointed at her chest with both her index fingers, ‘Feast your eyes, it’s a banquet.’
‘Surely a properly fitted dress couldn’t be pulled down that far?’ Judy said. ‘That’s a failure of the boning.’
Anna and Aggy exchanged a look.
‘Maybe like Aggy said, she was an exhibitionist. Maybe she’d
booby-trapped
it,’ Anna said, making a ‘winding a handle’ movement and a whirring noise.
‘Possible, she was quite a rowdy skanger when she got a drink in her. Marianne said Clare with wine was like a Gremlin with water,’ Aggy said. ‘She used to show clients her bikini-line tattoo that said
mama is forever
in Sanskrit and our boss had to tell her to stop because the older ones haven’t heard of vajazzling yet and she could upset them.’
‘What does
mama is forever
mean?’ Anna asked.
‘Her mum died of an aneurysm in Bluewater. It was a tribute.’
‘A tribute in the form of writing on her fanny? Who wants that? Mum, would you like me to get RIP JUDY down there?’ said Anna.
‘I can’t say how I’d feel if I’d died,’ her mum said. ‘I think I’d rather have a memorial fig tree at St Andrew’s.’
‘So that’s a pass to this one?’ Sue interjected, desperately.
Anna felt a whisper of remorse that Judy wasn’t sitting next to someone who’d do firework show gasps of ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at the gowns, but to some extent you played the role that fell to you in a family. There was no question Anna had pulled the
voice of reason
straw in hers.
People often reacted with disbelief that Judy was their mother, firstly because she was youthful-looking and expensively blonde-streaked for her fifty-something years. And secondly, what with coming from Surbiton, entirely un-Italian looking. She was inordinately proud of her daughters’ continental heritage and made a point of using their full names. Their father, funnily enough, was less of a fan, pronouncing Aureliana and Agata as ‘not traditional’.
‘Your mother goes and registers these fooling names behind my back, saying it was her hormones! She does this twice! Can you believe it?’
Anna certainly could believe it. It was also very like her dad to let her mum have her way.
‘Mum. How is Aggy paying for all of this?’ Anna said in a low voice.
‘She has a good salary. And savings. And Chris has money.’
‘Not that much money. Do you not think this might be getting out of hand?’
‘You only do it once. I know it’s not
your
sort of thing, but it’s her special day.’
Anna bit her tongue. She’d have a quiet word with her dad instead. The family had two distinct factions: Anna and her father’s more sober self-containment, and her mother and Aggy’s silliness. As Aggy changed again, Anna feared Sleeping Beauty was the start of a very long hike around London’s upscale dress shops.
There was a loud shriek from the changing rooms.
‘Has her false leg fallen off?’ Anna said.
Sue appeared, only her head poking through the brothel curtain, wreathed in stagy drama.
‘We’ve got something rather special here,’ which Anna took to mean
, I think she’s about to buy this, so stay on bloody message, bitches.
Aggy walked out wearing a sheepish smile and what was obviously The Dress. It had a full Tinkerbell skirt in glistening layers of raggy tulle and a strapless, thimble-sized bodice, which Anna wouldn’t have been able to wrestle her ribcage inside. Aggy looked like she should be onstage in a ballet, and rather wonderful.
‘Oh Agata!’ Judy said, bursting into tears and jumping up to hug her.
‘S’amazing, Mum,’ Aggy sniffled. ‘I feel like a princess.’
Anna stayed put and let her mum’s raptures subside while she poured the last dregs of the cava into her glass.
‘Don’t you like it?’ Aggy called
‘Surely a properly fitted dress couldn’t be pulled down that far?’ Judy said. ‘That’s a failure of the boning.’
Anna and Aggy exchanged a look.
‘Maybe like Aggy said, she was an exhibitionist. Maybe she’d
booby-trapped
it,’ Anna said, making a ‘winding a handle’ movement and a whirring noise.
‘Possible, she was quite a rowdy skanger when she got a drink in her. Marianne said Clare with wine was like a Gremlin with water,’ Aggy said. ‘She used to show clients her bikini-line tattoo that said
mama is forever
in Sanskrit and our boss had to tell her to stop because the older ones haven’t heard of vajazzling yet and she could upset them.’
‘What does
mama is forever
mean?’ Anna asked.
‘Her mum died of an aneurysm in Bluewater. It was a tribute.’
‘A tribute in the form of writing on her fanny? Who wants that? Mum, would you like me to get RIP JUDY down there?’ said Anna.
‘I can’t say how I’d feel if I’d died,’ her mum said. ‘I think I’d rather have a memorial fig tree at St Andrew’s.’
‘So that’s a pass to this one?’ Sue interjected, desperately.
Anna felt a whisper of remorse that Judy wasn’t sitting next to someone who’d do firework show gasps of ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at the gowns, but to some extent you played the role that fell to you in a family. There was no question Anna had pulled the
voice of reason
straw in hers.
People often reacted with disbelief that Judy was their mother, firstly because she was youthful-looking and expensively blonde-streaked for her fifty-something years. And secondly, what with coming from Surbiton, entirely un-Italian looking. She was inordinately proud of her daughters’ continental heritage and made a point of using their full names. Their father, funnily enough, was less of a fan, pronouncing Aureliana and Agata as ‘not traditional’.
‘Your mother goes and registers these fooling names behind my back, saying it was her hormones! She does this twice! Can you believe it?’
Anna certainly could believe it. It was also very like her dad to let her mum have her way.
‘Mum. How is Aggy paying for all of this?’ Anna said in a low voice.
‘She has a good salary. And savings. And Chris has money.’
‘Not that much money. Do you not think this might be getting out of hand?’
‘You only do it once. I know it’s not
your
sort of thing, but it’s her special day.’
Anna bit her tongue. She’d have a quiet word with her dad instead. The family had two distinct factions: Anna and her father’s more sober self-containment, and her mother and Aggy’s silliness. As Aggy changed again, Anna feared Sleeping Beauty was the start of a very long hike around London’s upscale dress shops.
There was a loud shriek from the changing rooms.
‘Has her false leg fallen off?’ Anna said.
Sue appeared, only her head poking through the brothel curtain, wreathed in stagy drama.
‘We’ve got something rather special here,’ which Anna took to mean
, I think she’s about to buy this, so stay on bloody message, bitches.
Aggy walked out wearing a sheepish smile and what was obviously The Dress. It had a full Tinkerbell skirt in glistening layers of raggy tulle and a strapless, thimble-sized bodice, which Anna wouldn’t have been able to wrestle her ribcage inside. Aggy looked like she should be onstage in a ballet, and rather wonderful.
‘Oh Agata!’ Judy said, bursting into tears and jumping up to hug her.
‘S’amazing, Mum,’ Aggy sniffled. ‘I feel like a princess.’
Anna stayed put and let her mum’s raptures subside while she poured the last dregs of the cava into her glass.
‘Don’t you like it?’ Aggy called
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