I now know how it feels and it confirmed what I suspected about myself. I can face it and live with it, but I know it isn’t fair to you.” She stood, framed by the soft glow of the pink dawn sky filtering into the room, waiting for my answer.
I was so confused. My head was still throbbing, my stomach was churning and my soul was cringing in shame. I was in no shape to make such an important decision. “I don’t know what I want.” I answered honestly. “I’m pretty confused and miserable right now. I need time to clean my body and more importantly my head. I need time to think. I’m going to shower and then go for a long drive. Will you stay until I get back?”
“I’ll stay until you tell me to leave.”
I showered and slipped out of the house without talking to her again. I drove for hours, but to this day don’t remember where I went. I thought about going to my folks and leveling with them, but I wasn’t ready to confess my shame. Besides, I hadn’t taken their advice before so now I needed to work things out for myself.
Late that afternoon, I found myself on the mesa where I had proposed to Amy on that night not so long ago. I came to the realization that I still loved her and wanted her to stay. I kept thinking that there had to be a way to reach her. If she could stay with me after what I had done, I guess I could give her another chance too.
I went home. She made sandwiches and iced tea for supper. We made small talk, but didn’t discuss what had happened. We didn’t make plans. We just went forward.
*****
I left for work early each morning and got home after dark each evening. I didn’t see her parents at all for the next week. As for my folks, Dad and my brothers knew something was wrong and each, in his own way, tried to engage me in conversation aimed at offering help, but I shut them down. They respected my privacy. It hurt to see their frustration with the situation, but I just couldn’t talk about it.
Amy and I stayed together under the same roof, even in the same bed. I don’t think either of us slept much, but we didn’t talk or touch. Out of bed, things were like before. She didn’t seem to hold my abominable actions against me. She was friendly as she tried to fix and serve our meals and talk about how our days went. She didn’t mention her folks.
Then, she surprised me one night about a week after the rape. She had just taken her shower. Amy came into the bedroom dressed in her wedding nightgown. I looked up in shock at her attire. She tried for a smile as she spoke. “If you want me tonight, it's alright with me."”
I had just put on my hated pajamas, which I was wearing to make things more comfortable for her. I couldn’t believe my ears. “Amy, do you really mean it?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, that came out wrong. It’s still a disgusting act that I don’t want or need, but you do and I feel I owe it to you.”
My first reaction was to tell her to go to hell. But, one look at her face told me how hard this was for her. She was making an attempt. It was a start. I took her in my arms and began to caress her gently. We slipped into bed and she disrobed under the covers. I tried very hard to arouse her. The lights were off robbing me of the sight of her body or face, but my hands felt an acceptance on her part. Our coupling that night wasn’t exactly warm and loving, let alone passionate, but at least it was better than the last time and provided me with a release. As I climaxed, I felt some of my resentment and frustration flow away. It gave me hope. A week later, we coupled again. Soon we were settled into a once a week act. I can’t say it was good. I can say it kept me hoping and avoiding a realistic look at what the future held. We just marked time.
*****
During her father’s recuperation period, her mother had moved in on the little social
I was so confused. My head was still throbbing, my stomach was churning and my soul was cringing in shame. I was in no shape to make such an important decision. “I don’t know what I want.” I answered honestly. “I’m pretty confused and miserable right now. I need time to clean my body and more importantly my head. I need time to think. I’m going to shower and then go for a long drive. Will you stay until I get back?”
“I’ll stay until you tell me to leave.”
I showered and slipped out of the house without talking to her again. I drove for hours, but to this day don’t remember where I went. I thought about going to my folks and leveling with them, but I wasn’t ready to confess my shame. Besides, I hadn’t taken their advice before so now I needed to work things out for myself.
Late that afternoon, I found myself on the mesa where I had proposed to Amy on that night not so long ago. I came to the realization that I still loved her and wanted her to stay. I kept thinking that there had to be a way to reach her. If she could stay with me after what I had done, I guess I could give her another chance too.
I went home. She made sandwiches and iced tea for supper. We made small talk, but didn’t discuss what had happened. We didn’t make plans. We just went forward.
*****
I left for work early each morning and got home after dark each evening. I didn’t see her parents at all for the next week. As for my folks, Dad and my brothers knew something was wrong and each, in his own way, tried to engage me in conversation aimed at offering help, but I shut them down. They respected my privacy. It hurt to see their frustration with the situation, but I just couldn’t talk about it.
Amy and I stayed together under the same roof, even in the same bed. I don’t think either of us slept much, but we didn’t talk or touch. Out of bed, things were like before. She didn’t seem to hold my abominable actions against me. She was friendly as she tried to fix and serve our meals and talk about how our days went. She didn’t mention her folks.
Then, she surprised me one night about a week after the rape. She had just taken her shower. Amy came into the bedroom dressed in her wedding nightgown. I looked up in shock at her attire. She tried for a smile as she spoke. “If you want me tonight, it's alright with me."”
I had just put on my hated pajamas, which I was wearing to make things more comfortable for her. I couldn’t believe my ears. “Amy, do you really mean it?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, that came out wrong. It’s still a disgusting act that I don’t want or need, but you do and I feel I owe it to you.”
My first reaction was to tell her to go to hell. But, one look at her face told me how hard this was for her. She was making an attempt. It was a start. I took her in my arms and began to caress her gently. We slipped into bed and she disrobed under the covers. I tried very hard to arouse her. The lights were off robbing me of the sight of her body or face, but my hands felt an acceptance on her part. Our coupling that night wasn’t exactly warm and loving, let alone passionate, but at least it was better than the last time and provided me with a release. As I climaxed, I felt some of my resentment and frustration flow away. It gave me hope. A week later, we coupled again. Soon we were settled into a once a week act. I can’t say it was good. I can say it kept me hoping and avoiding a realistic look at what the future held. We just marked time.
*****
During her father’s recuperation period, her mother had moved in on the little social
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