Then the pounding in my head started again and I remembered the stains on the sheet. No it hadn’t been a dream. It had happened all right.
She asked again. “Are you sure? I can put something together for you if you want.” She laid the book down and rose to her feet.
I squinted my eyes and brought my fingers up to massage my temples. “No. Thank you, anyway.” Our eyes met. “Why are you still here. Why didn’t you leave?”
She didn’t flinch. “Do you want me to go?”
What was going on here? This was insane. I had raped her. I didn’t know what to say. My aching head and a terrible shame were clogging rational thought. Finally, I managed to croak, “I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now.”
“Maybe some coffee will …”
“No.” I ran my fingers through my hair. Her eyes were still waiting for my answer about her leaving. “I asked you why you were still here. Why are you acting like nothing happened?”
She looked away, pulled the belt of her robe tighter and walked to the window, which was just beginning to lighten with the first gray of the new day. Her back was to me and her voice was soft as she began. “Where would I go? To my parents? No thank you. My father is as pathetic as I am. My mother is a cold heartless bitch who runs our lives and our thoughts, but she doesn’t really care about us.” She turned to face me. “She dominates us, as she tries to dominate everything. As for me, I’m just her possession. It makes no difference to her that I’m married.” She paused, then emitted a soft, wistful sigh. “Do you know what it was like before I met and married you? Talk about a non-entity. An absolute no one. A nobody. I was her personal display piece. A doll she could parade in front of her society cronies. But, God forbid if I had thought of my own.” Her voice was becoming stronger as her long denied inner rage and frustration surfaced. “Through marriage, I have had some time away from her. Occasionally, you actually ask me what I think, what I want to do. Trouble is I get confused when I’m asked what I want or think. I don’t know how to make decisions or take care of myself or even think for myself. I need someone to do these things for me.” She pleaded with a look that was half hope and yet half loathing. “I’ve spent the last few hours coming to this conclusion. I need her or you to take care of me. I realize that you give me some measure of freedom even as you take care of me. It came to me as I thought about leaving you that I would rather go through that ordeal we went through last night periodically than to go back to living with her full time.” She squared her shoulders and lowered her voice again. “But I realize that you are the one who has been cheated and if you want me to go, I will. I’ll never mention last night. You can get an annulment so you can go on with your life.”
I had never heard her put that many uninterrupted thoughts together. Now I was really confused. All I could get out was, “You don’t hate me?”
“No, I don’t hate you. Actually, I believe I’m not capable of hate or nor love. Something is missing in me. I have accepted the fact that you had every right to do what you did last night. I also know that I will never be a good sex partner for you. The whole act is as horrible as mother said it would.”
I took a step toward her. “Amy, maybe I was wrong. Maybe you should have gone to a specialist in sexual problems. Maybe you can be helped.” She was shaking her head no as I continued. “What I did last night was wrong, terribly wrong. I’m more ashamed of what I did than I can ever say.”
“No. Please don’t be ashamed. I know I drove you to it.” She was giving me absolution. I couldn’t believe her words. “But, despite the fact that you were drunk, sex is sex.
She asked again. “Are you sure? I can put something together for you if you want.” She laid the book down and rose to her feet.
I squinted my eyes and brought my fingers up to massage my temples. “No. Thank you, anyway.” Our eyes met. “Why are you still here. Why didn’t you leave?”
She didn’t flinch. “Do you want me to go?”
What was going on here? This was insane. I had raped her. I didn’t know what to say. My aching head and a terrible shame were clogging rational thought. Finally, I managed to croak, “I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now.”
“Maybe some coffee will …”
“No.” I ran my fingers through my hair. Her eyes were still waiting for my answer about her leaving. “I asked you why you were still here. Why are you acting like nothing happened?”
She looked away, pulled the belt of her robe tighter and walked to the window, which was just beginning to lighten with the first gray of the new day. Her back was to me and her voice was soft as she began. “Where would I go? To my parents? No thank you. My father is as pathetic as I am. My mother is a cold heartless bitch who runs our lives and our thoughts, but she doesn’t really care about us.” She turned to face me. “She dominates us, as she tries to dominate everything. As for me, I’m just her possession. It makes no difference to her that I’m married.” She paused, then emitted a soft, wistful sigh. “Do you know what it was like before I met and married you? Talk about a non-entity. An absolute no one. A nobody. I was her personal display piece. A doll she could parade in front of her society cronies. But, God forbid if I had thought of my own.” Her voice was becoming stronger as her long denied inner rage and frustration surfaced. “Through marriage, I have had some time away from her. Occasionally, you actually ask me what I think, what I want to do. Trouble is I get confused when I’m asked what I want or think. I don’t know how to make decisions or take care of myself or even think for myself. I need someone to do these things for me.” She pleaded with a look that was half hope and yet half loathing. “I’ve spent the last few hours coming to this conclusion. I need her or you to take care of me. I realize that you give me some measure of freedom even as you take care of me. It came to me as I thought about leaving you that I would rather go through that ordeal we went through last night periodically than to go back to living with her full time.” She squared her shoulders and lowered her voice again. “But I realize that you are the one who has been cheated and if you want me to go, I will. I’ll never mention last night. You can get an annulment so you can go on with your life.”
I had never heard her put that many uninterrupted thoughts together. Now I was really confused. All I could get out was, “You don’t hate me?”
“No, I don’t hate you. Actually, I believe I’m not capable of hate or nor love. Something is missing in me. I have accepted the fact that you had every right to do what you did last night. I also know that I will never be a good sex partner for you. The whole act is as horrible as mother said it would.”
I took a step toward her. “Amy, maybe I was wrong. Maybe you should have gone to a specialist in sexual problems. Maybe you can be helped.” She was shaking her head no as I continued. “What I did last night was wrong, terribly wrong. I’m more ashamed of what I did than I can ever say.”
“No. Please don’t be ashamed. I know I drove you to it.” She was giving me absolution. I couldn’t believe her words. “But, despite the fact that you were drunk, sex is sex.
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