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Book: Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World by Jennie Allen
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Authors: Jennie Allen
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exchange,” wrote Christopher Lynn, associate professor of anthropology at the University of Alabama.
During the day, biological rhythms produced by elevated cortisol and other stress hormones keep humans awake and provide the pre-coffee bump needed to be motivated and get things done…. But as cortisol levels drop in the evening, we’re able to sit and relax. We’re in a mood to tell and listen to stories. [1]
I remember reading of an anthropologist who spent nearly two hundred days living with the native people of Botswana and Namibia. She discovered that, while about three-fourths of the tribe’s daytime conversations centered on work-related talk, more than three-fourths of their nighttime conversations—always held around a fire, incidentally—centered on spirituality or what the researcher called “enthralling stories.” The tribespeople talked about adventures they’d had. And about elephants they’d encountered. And about politics, religion, and the dreams they had for their lives. [2]
----
—
Throughout history villages have gathered around fires to cook, to plan, to dance and sing, to be together after the kids are in bed. Yep. Fire has been the communal spot since the beginning of time. According to research published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, “ending the day around the campfire, where songs, stories and relationships blossomed, ultimately shaped cultures and perhaps even helped develop some of our ability to understand one another, cooperate and internalize culture.” [3]
Fires bring us together. Real life, face to face, no phones, together.
Five Friends. Five Miles.
It is not really an exaggeration to say that for the first months that we lived in Dallas, we were not invited anywhere. You know how when you’ve been living in the same place for a while, your biggest concern—assuming there’s not a global pandemic—is knowing what to say yes to and what to say no to? Life feels so busy that at times you’re sure that if your kids have one more thing they are required to attend, your whole universe might spin right off its axis.
So, take that reality and turn it, oh, 180 degrees, and you’ll know what Dallas was like for us the first year we called it home. Zac and I rarely did anything. Our kids never did anything. Excitement was movie night at home.
One afternoon, on my way home from the grocery store, where I’d seen nobody I knew and had exactly zeroconversations with another human being, I drove past a senior-living apartment situated half a mile from our house, and before I could stop them, tears sprang to my eyes.
I’ll have no friends to live there with someday, because I have no friends.
Drama. I know.
I toyed for half a second with the idea of becoming a modern-day hermit, right there in the densely populated community of North Dallas. Who needed friends, anyway? Think of all the time I’d have, how much cleaner life would be. Things would be far simpler. No disappointments. No relational pain.
I could have done it, honestly…maybe…except for one detail I just couldn’t shake: we were not created to live alone.
I thought about those Rwandan women who had a whole village worth of camaraderie, dozens and dozens of lifelong relationships at their disposal. And there in the seat of that rundown van, I thought, If I could just have a fraction of that connectedness, I’d be happy. Five friends in five miles? I would totally settle for that.
Five friends in five miles. This became my Dallas Friendship Plan. I set about looking for friends who lived within walking distance. I might not be able to rack up scores and scores of relational wins in Dallas, but surely I could at least find five friends who lived close by. I could make this work.
Five friends within five miles. Ready, set, go.
Your People Are Probably Closer Than You Think
Now, before you put a For Sale sign in your yard, let’s look for the friends who might be right under
During the day, biological rhythms produced by elevated cortisol and other stress hormones keep humans awake and provide the pre-coffee bump needed to be motivated and get things done…. But as cortisol levels drop in the evening, we’re able to sit and relax. We’re in a mood to tell and listen to stories. [1]
I remember reading of an anthropologist who spent nearly two hundred days living with the native people of Botswana and Namibia. She discovered that, while about three-fourths of the tribe’s daytime conversations centered on work-related talk, more than three-fourths of their nighttime conversations—always held around a fire, incidentally—centered on spirituality or what the researcher called “enthralling stories.” The tribespeople talked about adventures they’d had. And about elephants they’d encountered. And about politics, religion, and the dreams they had for their lives. [2]
----
—
Throughout history villages have gathered around fires to cook, to plan, to dance and sing, to be together after the kids are in bed. Yep. Fire has been the communal spot since the beginning of time. According to research published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, “ending the day around the campfire, where songs, stories and relationships blossomed, ultimately shaped cultures and perhaps even helped develop some of our ability to understand one another, cooperate and internalize culture.” [3]
Fires bring us together. Real life, face to face, no phones, together.
Five Friends. Five Miles.
It is not really an exaggeration to say that for the first months that we lived in Dallas, we were not invited anywhere. You know how when you’ve been living in the same place for a while, your biggest concern—assuming there’s not a global pandemic—is knowing what to say yes to and what to say no to? Life feels so busy that at times you’re sure that if your kids have one more thing they are required to attend, your whole universe might spin right off its axis.
So, take that reality and turn it, oh, 180 degrees, and you’ll know what Dallas was like for us the first year we called it home. Zac and I rarely did anything. Our kids never did anything. Excitement was movie night at home.
One afternoon, on my way home from the grocery store, where I’d seen nobody I knew and had exactly zeroconversations with another human being, I drove past a senior-living apartment situated half a mile from our house, and before I could stop them, tears sprang to my eyes.
I’ll have no friends to live there with someday, because I have no friends.
Drama. I know.
I toyed for half a second with the idea of becoming a modern-day hermit, right there in the densely populated community of North Dallas. Who needed friends, anyway? Think of all the time I’d have, how much cleaner life would be. Things would be far simpler. No disappointments. No relational pain.
I could have done it, honestly…maybe…except for one detail I just couldn’t shake: we were not created to live alone.
I thought about those Rwandan women who had a whole village worth of camaraderie, dozens and dozens of lifelong relationships at their disposal. And there in the seat of that rundown van, I thought, If I could just have a fraction of that connectedness, I’d be happy. Five friends in five miles? I would totally settle for that.
Five friends in five miles. This became my Dallas Friendship Plan. I set about looking for friends who lived within walking distance. I might not be able to rack up scores and scores of relational wins in Dallas, but surely I could at least find five friends who lived close by. I could make this work.
Five friends within five miles. Ready, set, go.
Your People Are Probably Closer Than You Think
Now, before you put a For Sale sign in your yard, let’s look for the friends who might be right under
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