Read Online Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang by Chelsea Handler - Free Book Online Page B

standing in front of it talking to me when he read the e-mail.
    "Oh, dear Lord. I knew it."
    He went to grab my BlackBerry off the treadmill in an attempt to shield me from the horrible discovery.
    "What?" I asked, as I took it back from him.
    "It was the shellfish," he said, with his arms open for me to run into.
    "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"
    This is the picture I shot with my BlackBerry of him consoling me right there and then on the balcony:

    It took several minutes for me to calm down long enough to forward the picture to my team. The hysterical crying was interrupted by hysterical laughing, which I had to cover up with more fake crying, so it became a vicious circle. Luckily, it was a windy day, and Ted is ridiculous.
    The rest of the night was more of the same as I was e-mailing with Tom, Jake, and Brad. Brad had to pull over several times on his way to dinner just to gain composure, and Jake kept calling me from his house in the Palisades howling. "This is the stupidest fucking joke in the world. Ted is going to dump you in the Santa Monica Bay, and I'm going to be laughing so hard I won't be able to do anything about it!"
    "I thought you had a soccer game."
    "I do, but I'll be laughing at the soccer game."
    I told him to stop calling me, because I couldn't keep running out of the room. You could hear him screaming through the phone, and I'd have to jump up and scram every time it rang. "Fuck off," I repeated over and over again.
    Ted ran in after the third time Jake called and found me kneeling next to my bed. "Who are you telling to fuck off?"
    "My father."
    "Oh."
    I finally had to take a Lunesta to get to sleep so that I wouldn't have to face him anymore. I woke up the next morning and lay in bed thinking about the difference a day can make. So much had happened in twenty-four hours. So many lives had been touched.
    The funeral wasn't until five, so I had to maintain my composure but keep it somewhat real by pretending I was dreading it as well. Ted had been e-mailing everyone at the party to see who was coming to the funeral and he was concerned about who he'd be standing next to during the spreading of the ashes. "I'm worried I'm going to laugh," he kept saying. "Please make sure I'm not anywhere near Tom."
    "Don't worry," I wanted to say. "No one else is coming, moron."
    But I didn't.
    At around four-thirty we headed to the pier. On our way down the ramp, I took a photo of the back of Ted's head and sent it off to everyone who was waiting to hear, with a caption that read "Ted on his way to Dudley's funeral."

    I was texting furiously with Johnny Kansas, and he was telling me to stay on Ted's right when we got to the end of the pier. The sign we had made would be set up there on a railing. In order to capture Ted's reaction, we needed to choreograph our arrival perfectly. I realized then that I had forgotten to get flowers and texted Johnny, "We have no flowers."
    "Get churros," he replied.
    There are churro stands about every two hundred feet at the Santa Monica Pier, so it felt totally natural to yell, "Ted, that's why Dudley liked the pier. The churros. He loved churros!"
    "Oh, Jesus Christ. No wonder the dog is fucking dead if he was eating fucking churros."
    At this point I was starting to pee a little and kept having to grab my vagina. Luckily it was windy, so it was easy to hide my face behind the hair being blown across it. This was beyond ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as Ted taking a bite out of one of the churros as he crossed back over to where I was.
    "What the hell is that?" I asked, pointing at the top of the bitten churro.
    "What?" he said, trying to hide the churro under his lapel.
    "Those are for Dudley, Ted!"
    "But he's dead."
    "They wanted to spread the churros with his ashes."
    "Chelsea, you can't throw churros over the pier into the water. Dudley would want us to have them. Come on, we're going to be late."
    "Just flip that one upside down and don't take another bite."
    Fifty