Read Online A Fistful of God by Therese M. Travis - Free Book Online
Authors: Therese M. Travis
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never. I hated being Shannon’s shadow.
More people must have come because they spilled into the yard and noise rose to match the pound of music inside. I ducked around a corner and found a tiny space where a cinderblock wall met a wooden gate. Hunched down, I stared at the light shimmering from the water. I wasn’t hiding, just waiting the party out. Just waiting to find out what kind of shape Mom had gotten herself into.
I’d call and ask her to come early. I should have done it a long time ago. Mom would have been a lot safer if I had. But I didn’t know where Lucy’s phone was, and I didn’t want to go looking for her and then have to interrupt her. I didn’t want to make everyone wonder what I wanted, wonder why I didn’t have my own cell phone, wonder why I had to call my mom in the middle of such a great party.
I’m sick. I need to go home .
I stood up and heard Miguel’s voice, singing to one of the old songs Lucy played. “Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her?”
He danced across the concrete strip around the pool, and I slipped behind him and pretended I’d just come out of the house. No way would I let him catch me crouching in a corner like the kid everyone forgot during hide-and-seek.
“Yup, I’ve seen her,” he said as he turned. “Whatcha doing all by yourself?”
I shrugged.
“What scared you off? Did I scare you?”
“No. I’m not scared.”
Miguel jerked his head toward a bench at the end of the pool. I followed and sat next to him, wondering all over again. Some feeling filled me, and though I couldn’t name it, it pressed tears to my eyes.
Miguel sat with his elbows on his knees so he had to twist around to look at me. “You know, most people, they go to a party, they talk to the other people there. That’s how most people do parties.”
I had to laugh. “Yeah, but I don’t know anyone.”
“Oh, so I’m nobody.”
“Nobody else , I mean.”
“How you gonna know them if you won’t talk to them?”
I shrugged again.
“You mad ‘cause you told me about your mom?” Before I could argue, he leaned closer. “The first time is the hardest, you know? After that, you find out you don’t die when you tell someone. You find out it’s OK to talk about that stuff. It’s not your fault.”
What I’d told him wasn’t my fault, no. But if Mom showed up sloshed, or didn’t show up at all, that would be my fault. And that was something I would never tell anyone.
“Aidyn,” he said. “It’s OK for people to know.”
“I figured everyone knew anyway. Shannon must have told everyone. She must have told Jackson, at least.”
“And sometimes you think everyone’s talking about you?”
Except for the times I knew they don’t see me at all.
“Yeah, well, what does Shannon know, anyway?” He stared over the pool, his fingers twisting in complicated patterns. “It’s OK to have fun.”
“Yeah. Sure. I’m having fun.”
He grinned. “I know what it’s like. You get so scared, or so mad, and how can you have fun when anything could happen? But you have to. You’ll go crazy if you don’t.”
“So that’s my problem.”
That time he laughed. “Not hardly. You’re not crazy, Aidyn. Come on.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet before I could jerk away, and he didn’t let go until we got to the living room again, now dimly lit by candles and crowded with kids and the sound system’s vibrations.
The smell of cold pizza roiled in my stomach. I wanted my corner back, but if I ran out I’d look like an idiot, so I sat on the floor next to Miguel and reminded myself to pretend I was having fun. If only I could figure out how.
Miguel handed me another soda, though I didn’t want it. I’d already wasted enough of Lucy’s stuff. I hunched over it and pretended I didn’t mind that he didn’t stay with me but meandered around the room talking to others. After a few minutes, though, more kids wandered inside, and he made his way back
More people must have come because they spilled into the yard and noise rose to match the pound of music inside. I ducked around a corner and found a tiny space where a cinderblock wall met a wooden gate. Hunched down, I stared at the light shimmering from the water. I wasn’t hiding, just waiting the party out. Just waiting to find out what kind of shape Mom had gotten herself into.
I’d call and ask her to come early. I should have done it a long time ago. Mom would have been a lot safer if I had. But I didn’t know where Lucy’s phone was, and I didn’t want to go looking for her and then have to interrupt her. I didn’t want to make everyone wonder what I wanted, wonder why I didn’t have my own cell phone, wonder why I had to call my mom in the middle of such a great party.
I’m sick. I need to go home .
I stood up and heard Miguel’s voice, singing to one of the old songs Lucy played. “Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her?”
He danced across the concrete strip around the pool, and I slipped behind him and pretended I’d just come out of the house. No way would I let him catch me crouching in a corner like the kid everyone forgot during hide-and-seek.
“Yup, I’ve seen her,” he said as he turned. “Whatcha doing all by yourself?”
I shrugged.
“What scared you off? Did I scare you?”
“No. I’m not scared.”
Miguel jerked his head toward a bench at the end of the pool. I followed and sat next to him, wondering all over again. Some feeling filled me, and though I couldn’t name it, it pressed tears to my eyes.
Miguel sat with his elbows on his knees so he had to twist around to look at me. “You know, most people, they go to a party, they talk to the other people there. That’s how most people do parties.”
I had to laugh. “Yeah, but I don’t know anyone.”
“Oh, so I’m nobody.”
“Nobody else , I mean.”
“How you gonna know them if you won’t talk to them?”
I shrugged again.
“You mad ‘cause you told me about your mom?” Before I could argue, he leaned closer. “The first time is the hardest, you know? After that, you find out you don’t die when you tell someone. You find out it’s OK to talk about that stuff. It’s not your fault.”
What I’d told him wasn’t my fault, no. But if Mom showed up sloshed, or didn’t show up at all, that would be my fault. And that was something I would never tell anyone.
“Aidyn,” he said. “It’s OK for people to know.”
“I figured everyone knew anyway. Shannon must have told everyone. She must have told Jackson, at least.”
“And sometimes you think everyone’s talking about you?”
Except for the times I knew they don’t see me at all.
“Yeah, well, what does Shannon know, anyway?” He stared over the pool, his fingers twisting in complicated patterns. “It’s OK to have fun.”
“Yeah. Sure. I’m having fun.”
He grinned. “I know what it’s like. You get so scared, or so mad, and how can you have fun when anything could happen? But you have to. You’ll go crazy if you don’t.”
“So that’s my problem.”
That time he laughed. “Not hardly. You’re not crazy, Aidyn. Come on.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet before I could jerk away, and he didn’t let go until we got to the living room again, now dimly lit by candles and crowded with kids and the sound system’s vibrations.
The smell of cold pizza roiled in my stomach. I wanted my corner back, but if I ran out I’d look like an idiot, so I sat on the floor next to Miguel and reminded myself to pretend I was having fun. If only I could figure out how.
Miguel handed me another soda, though I didn’t want it. I’d already wasted enough of Lucy’s stuff. I hunched over it and pretended I didn’t mind that he didn’t stay with me but meandered around the room talking to others. After a few minutes, though, more kids wandered inside, and he made his way back
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